My dad is on step 5 of his 12 steps, but I feel his apology is anything but sincere. What do I say?

Question

Maybe I should be more kind to him, but I have cut him out of my life and my childrens life once again. It's been months since i've had contact with him and he calls me up out of the blue to tell me that he got a dui and he is working the steps. He had to write down 8 people to apologize to and I was on his list. He just wanted to tell me he was sober now and that he was sorry for the things he did to hurt me while he was drinking. And it was ok if I didn't accept his apology because he can only change himself.
I feel a quick apology over the phone doesn't fix what he did. I want him to make real effort to prove how sorry he is. I think he should ask me what it would take for me to forgive him.
Am I being unreasonable? Am I expecting too much from him?

Answer 1

Actually, you sound...angry. You see alcoholics don't really remember how bad they screwed things up. They were drunk....what a convenient situation. But that hurt is still there in you isn't it.



I find the apology a bit selfish, maybe it is....it sounds selfish doesn't it....I'm doing this for me...your opinion doesn't matter?



I was told in the whole court ordered family counseling session....that I had every right to express how I felt about the alleged apology that I got....I did...but basically I suggested that the drunk in my life had no idea what kind of damage she had done....and as for the apology, I'm glad it worked for her. I was going to offer her a second chance, but I wasn't going to suddenly turn around and forgive....



I didn't have to worry about it...she went back to drinking 8 months latter...

Answer 2

Well good for him. I understand how you feel BUT when was the last time he got this far trying? I really think he is doing the best that he can. Drunks are never the best fathers, husbands, employees, sons, never the best at anything. WELL you sure are lucky to get any apology that's a lot more than most kids ever get. I think that you should realize how hard it is for him to have done that. Give the poor guy a break and tell him that you accept and hope he keeps on with the steps. I know that this is not as much as you have coming for his actions but it really is the best he can do and he is probably very proud that he did it.

Answer 3

You are not being unreasonable. But from your perspective you have to make a choice every day: That choice is whether or not you are willing to have contact with him. If you are willing to have contact then you need to decide how much contact and in what form that contact is acceptable to you.



He is in-theory working the steps. But you need to evaluate what and how interacting with him could or would be therapeutic for for you.



I would suggest that you have him write out his apology to you and that you have him list the things that he is apologizing for. If he is sincere then he will do the work.



If he does write it out then you have the option of replying to him in writing about your perspective and the things which he may not be aware of.



I believe that part of the process of step 5 is learning what you actually did and did not do. To apologize and/or seek forgiveness one must know and acknowledge what they did and the impact which it had.



He has his program and you have your program to work. The ball is in your court regarding whether or not you are ready to have contact with him. Whether you are at all inclined to offer forgiveness is a somewhat independent issue from the contact issue.

Answer 4

Wow, how terrible a situation to be in. I can't suggest what you should do but I can say that I have always been in a similar relationship with my own father. In fact, I've been there for 2 failed suicide attempts and numerous overdoses due to this awful addiction. There will ALWAYS be relapses...alcholism is a "disease" of sorts. Even though it seems words cannot make you forgive him for the past, sometimes you just have to LISTEN to those words. It's important to at least hear him out as its an important step towards his recovery...its okay to not accept his apology and its okay to still be angry. Just try to find it in your heart to keep the line of communication open because you may regret it in the future.

Answer 5

Well I think for right now give him some slack. He apologized b/c that was part of his program but i sure he did mean it. Once he is though the program and he still wants to branch out to you have a relationship and show you that he has changed then maybe talk to him about it more if you still feel you need to but for now let him focus on getting himself better. Like her told you you don't have to forgive him. At least he recognizes his mistakes.

Answer 6

you are not being a bit unreasonable but that is to be expected. he used to be a drunk, but now he is trying to get better. He made himself suffer by drinking, watching you suffer, and knowing that you might never forgive him. so you might want to give him some pity. Anyway HE called you that means he is trying at least to make everything better. Enjoy the time you have together. You don't know when it will be last time you talk to him. Also meet with him and if you see he is trying you should let him see your kids let him know what he missed in their lives and yours by being a drunk.

Answer 7

Step 5 is a milestone for a lot of addicts. I am sure he caused much pain in your life and it is hard to believe anything that he says, but I think his apology was sincere...then again you know him better!

Answer 8

I know where your dad is coming from. I drank and drank all the years my sons were growing up. As one who has to live the 12 steps to stay sober, he was correct to ask for forgiveness, whether he receives it or not. Without asking, he won't stay sober. With myself to receive forgiveness from my family I had to demonstrate by actions from that point forward. We can't go backwards. I know my family were suspicious and surprised by my actions. Allow him slowly back into your life. Let him demonstrate by actions that he deserves your forgiveness. Perhaps you could go to an open meeting of alcoholics anonymous to understand the alcoholic.

Answer 9

for now this is a good step for him and should thank him for apologizing to you. once he gets out you can talk about what he did and how many people he hurt. but for now you have to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is trying.

Answer 10

Remember, this is not about you. He is the one with the illness. NOT YOU!

Love can heal a lot of things. Give it time, take the high road and forgive him. He is in the fight of his life right now. Believe it or not.

Answer 11

I think you should tell him exactly how you feel. If he is sincere and really regrets what he did he will be willing to put in the time and effort to prove it.

Answer 12

I think your being unreasonable, If he got a DUI, and he did have children with you, and all that, I'm assuming that he is around 30 years or older. So out of those 30 years or more, he picked you out of the 8 people, you should respect that and accept it.