Should I say something?

Question

I was copied on a conservative political e-mail that was sent to several people (including my cousin's husband Steve). One of those people hit "Reply All" and wrote an e-mail disagreeing with the original message. Steve hit "Reply All" and wrote to the that person that he must be "a liberal f**king f**got." Bear in mind that Steve has never met the man he verbally attacked and that the original message had nothing to do with homosexuality.

I have always liked Steve; I never had any idea that he used hate speech or would react so violently to a complete stranger just because that person voiced a differing opinion. I'm not sure what to do now that I've seen this side of him.

Should I say something to him and risk causing a rift between us? Or do I say nothing? Would saying nothing constitute implicit agreement?

By the way, I don't think he meant to reply to everyone because that list included my elderly parents, his elderly in-laws, and several other people he doesn't know.

Thanks for your opinions.

Answer 1

Hi Kathryn,



Tough choice, but yes, to say nothing is to condone. I’m sure there will be a lot of flak from the family members who were not meant to receive that particular e-mail. And I really feel for the poor guy who got blasted simply because his opinion which didn’t happen to agree with Steve’s. But your feelings are the important issue right now. Until you get rid of that knot inside you, it will grow and fester and you’ll feel guilty for not having said anything.



There are three subjects that are impossible to discuss in a calm and reasonable manner. They are religion, politics and prejudices. Steve seems to be highly combustible in two of them. (Also his use of objectionable language online for all to see nullified his point and made him look stupid.)



So keep it simple and above all, light. No lectures (and therefore no confrontations) Maybe something as brief as “Hey, Steve, that guy really got to you didn’t he? Bad hair day?”



You haven’t agreed with him, you haven’t disagreed with him, but you got it off your chest.



The important thing is not to let this episode, which may only be a one-shot, affect your relationship with your cousin.



Gigi

Answer 2

Has anybody else said anyting about this? I'm pretty sure that more people think like you and don't want to take the first step. If your concern is keeping the friendly relationship, why don't you get his attention is a graceful way? Perhaps "Steve I was amazed to see this email from you. I know you replied by accident to all; I just never heard you speak like this. Are you doing okay? I just thought you may have had a bad day; you know what that can do to us."



You also said that you've never seen this side of him; perhaps he was in fact having a bad day?

Answer 3

People lacking common sense annoys me and I feel discretion goes hand in hand with common sense. 1 how is saying nothing constitute agreement...It doesn't... it simply says tolerance for someone else to have their own opinion... feel free to share your own, but just as you appear to be quick to judge...expect similar. 2. Why would you say something if you know it may cause a rift...do you like drama and prefer to make things harder than they have to be not only on yourself but others around you? 3 If he replied to everyone and may not realize it, I'd probably inform him before someone else does. However, as suggested by grexed...I wouldn't suggest him to apologize for how he feels. If he feels this strongly about the matter he is not going to apologize and be offended that you would ask, but it is also possible he was just having a bad day, and may apologize on his own or allow the damage that is done to be done and left alone. You might tell him everyone received this email, explain you have never seen him act/speak in this manner, and find out if he is okay...and go from there.



I myself wouldn't say a thing. I would allow him to have his own opinion or bad day because if it was just a bad day then it was just that. If it is his true opinion, he obviously feels strongly about it, and there is no sense in getting into it with him and causing more friction. Everyone has their own opinions, and they are usually best kept to ourselves unless we know someone else thinks the same thing and then yes talk about it all you want. No sense in shoving your opinion on someone who doesn't want to hear it.



Tink...how did this man change? he has a strong opinion about something could it simply be she didn't know him as well as she thought she did?...or he could have been having a bad day...wrong choice of words...

Answer 4

I think you need to say something. It might cause a rift, but it will help you out in the long run, If you don't say anything, it might hurt you in the long run with future situations. He also needs to know how you felt about it and that it bothers you. You should alsways be able to tell someone how you feel, if you can't then they are not really that good for you to be around in the first place.

Answer 5

I don't think you should say anything to Steve, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If you're asked directly how you feel about the situation, you can speak up then. Just because you don't answer the email doesn't mean that you agree with what he said.

Answer 6

Sounds like old Stevie-boy has a dark side. Best thing would be to avoid the topic around family. Everyone's got some prejudices.

Answer 7

whew this is something like one of those ask amy questions i see in the newspaper all the time.



I would suggest maybe send a seperate email to 'steve' and alert him that the email he sent was sent to everyone, and then maybe suggest he put out a public apology.

Answer 8

I think you should say to him, "Wow, I've never seen this side of you before." and let him explain. Then just leave it at that. Now you know that this is part of who he is, you don't have to argue about it, but you can acknowledge it.

Answer 9

I think your parents would handle whatever needs handling. that sucks tho. people change when no one knows who they rly are...(on the computer)

Answer 10

freedom of speech, yes say something