my older son punched my younger son for stealing his stuff. what am i supposed to do?

Question

I'm a father of two. My older boy Jonathan is 14 and the younger one Joseph is 11. Joseph often plays Jonathan's video games without permission and goes into his room and uses his stuff without permission. It's harmless and he returns it after he's done. I personally don't think it's a problem so long as he returns it but Jonathan doesn't let Joseph use any of his stuff, which i think is just selffish.

Tonight, Joseph was playing with Jonathan's video games and Jonathan wanted it back even though he wasn't even going to play it. Joseph was in the middle of the game and so he wouldn't give it back until he got to a stage where he could save the game. So Jonathan punched him hard and threw him off onto the ground and got his video game and marched to his room. Joseph ran crying to me and so I punished Jonathan of course for hitting his little brother.

I don't know who I should punish now. I confronted Jonathan but he was upset that I was always favoring and taking his brother's side. When I told him he was grounded for a month for hitting his brother and disrespecting me, he started crying and claiming I'm not fair.

The problem is that I don't know if I'm fair or not. I'm divorced and I have custody over my kids. It is true however that Joseph does steal Jonathan's stuff and goes into his room and plays his video games. But is punching him really acceptable? What am I supposed to do? Thanks.

Answer 1

You are the father and the authority. You handled the situation the right way, except for second-guessing yourself.

Punching his younger brother is by no means acceptable. Who cares if Jonathan cries? He's just trying to manipulate you. Tell him you would feel better if he were crying because he hurt his little brother.

If Joseph is returning the games he uses, and he doesn't damage them, he is not stealing.

You have the right to tell Jonathan that he MUST lend Joseph appropriate games, as long as Joseph returns them undamaged. EVERYTHING in the house is legally and technically yours, as the children are not of age, and you are supporting them. Jonathan needs to understand that. Tell him that when he gets a job an rents his own apartment and supports himself, he can make the rules for his own home. For now, you have the responsibility for both of them, and you make the rules.

Jonathan thinks it's not fair to punish him? Was it fair for him to hit his little brother?

You are teaching your sons how a Man behaves. And a Man doesn't go hitting somebody anytime he's mad, or crying when he doesn't get his way.

Anyway, you seem to have good instincts; so use your best judgment.

Answer 2

Other people have covered a lot of your problems but here we go: You are allowed to punish more than one kid. Both can be wrong and that is the case here. Jonathan is not being selfish just because he is 14 and doesn't want his brother to steal his stuff. To set the record straight...taking without permission is stealing. You are teaching your youngest son that he can take what he wants without permission even when told not to do so. Jonathan should have been punished for hitting but a month is too long for a brother hitting a brother one time. Way too long especially if it was a one time thing. Tell him that you will reduce his sentence but if he does it again it will be a month. Tell Joseph that he needs permission to borrow things. As other have mentioned, what if I decided to borrow your things without permission and gave them back when I was done? What about your tv? Your car? Exactly. Joseph needs to ask every time and Jonathan needs to share more often but he shouldn't be forced to share every time. You can maybe have them decide at the beginning of the day what Jonathan will let Joseph borrow. As for punishments when not getting along....my parents used to have my older brother and sister each sit in a chair across from each other. They have to look at each other but are not allowed to talk or leave until both apologize and until they are ready to get along. It worked every time and they usually ended up laughing.



So: less harsh punishment this time, punish both, no more stealing, and more sharing, buy the younger his own stuff so he won't need his brother's. Good luck.

Answer 3

I go through this with my 3 daughters all the time and had the same issue with my 14 year old hitting my 11 year old. But I've told her that no matter what has happened, hitting her sister is never okay and if she resorts to that type of behavior, she'll get the worst of the punishments. However, I also don't let my youngest off the hook either. She has to be held accountable for going in to her sister's rooms and taking things without permission after she's been told she has to ask when she wants to borrow things and vice versa. It's hard being a single parent, especially when they become teenagers, but just keep trying...Good Luck!

Answer 4

Well did Jonothan pay for the games? If he did you need to sit Joseph down and explain to him that these are his brothers things and he is not allowed to touch them without permission! A month is a bit much. Make it the weekend. And tell him he needs to learn he may not hit even if he is angry. You need to go to some parenting classes, that could help. Read some books on teens. And the next time your son takes your other sons games he should be punished also. Let them know in your house we do not steal "boorror" or hit.

Answer 5

You should have punished both of them. Hitting is wrong, and talking things that don't belong to you without asking is also wrong. I'm sure the younger brother has his own things to play with. Maybe you should buy them the same things so that this won't be a problem in the future. You could also try buying them things together so they will know how to share with each other. Returning an item does not make it okay to take what you want. Put yourself in his shoes...how would you feel if you can home and someone Borrowed your T.V.? Sit them down and explain the problem with being selfish, taking things that don't belong to you, and hitting. Then make them apologize to each other. Then apologize to your older son for not looking at how he felt, but tell him he still has to be punished because 2 wrongs don't make a right. Oh yea, punish the younger son too!

Answer 6

Put the lock on the outside of his door and keep a key for yourself. Would you like it if your brother went to your home and helped himself to your things without permission even if he did bring them back at some point? I don't think so. Kids are people. They have to learn to respect each other.



You are being unfair. Jonathan's things belong to him and he shouldn't have to share unless he wants to. There is no reason you can't get Joseph the things he wants so he doesn't have to take his brother's without permission. He should be punished when he invades Jonathan's personal space and helps himself to someone else's property.



Jonathan shouldn't have hit Joseph but he was totally frustrated because you were letting Joseph get away with it. I would punish him for that so he learns violence is never the answer.



In the future, why not get them things they both like as a family gift rather than a personal one? They can keep the things in the family room where either one can use them.

Answer 7

Make a rule that Joseph may only use Jonathan's stuff by asking for Jonathan's permission. It is right to punish Jonathan for hitting the younger one, but it's not okay for Joseph to just take what he pleases.

Answer 8

Firstly I understand that it must be difficult for you to odd 2 blooming boys all by yourself. so after all said and done, I honestly think that grounding for a month is a tad harsh. Yes Jonathon should not be hitting his brother, it can be considered, and become violent. As to you thinking he may be selfish, he is 14, he wants and is entitled to his privacy. It doesn't matter if he does not plan on using the item later, but the fact is, that it is his, and he is entitled to keep it in his room.

As for Joseph, you need to tell him he is not aloud in his brothers room. Ask him if he would like it if Jonathon would go into his room when ever he liked, and played with his stuff, hopefully, he will answer no,. also try a toll, whenever he is caught in his brothers room, he will have to pay a dollar.

good luck, and hope it all works out

Answer 9

You are showing favortism. It does not matter if Jonathan is not using his stuff, it is his and he needs to give permission for it to be used. It is a matter of privacy and respect. You are teaching the other one that he can do as he pleases even if someone does not like it but you allow him to be selfish. Punching him was a little over the top but I can understand the kids frustration at his brother and at you. You need to apologize to Johathan and make Joseph behave and follow the rules.

Answer 10

i have a son who's 11 and a daughter who's only 3 and although the age is different to yours my son always complains about my daughter playing ( & breaking ) his stuff.

I didnt know whether to put a lock in my son's room or not either. In the end I now have placed a lock on his door, but i can open it from the outside with a knife (my 3y.o can't do this yet)

I've come to the conclusion that all kids need their own space and their own belongings. Their personal pride in their toys is all part of learning to care for their own things in life.

My opinion is that every time Josepth wants to play with the Jonathon's things, he needs to ask for permission and visa versa.

If Jonathon isn't around then he needs to wait for him to be around, or organise it the day before when he is home.

You could have a family meeting and explain these rules to both of them and let them be involved in making these rules. Write down on a chart what each one expects from the other etc and start from there.

Explain to Jonathon that although its his toys, he also needs to share as long as Joseph respects that he needs to ask before he uses it.

I think they just need some assistance and guidance in respecting each other and sharing. Its important to let them know the ground rules and to assist them in finding a medium and getting along.

Being a single parent is tough (i've been there!) and i trust that you are doing the best job you can.

Kids will most always think you are favouring the other at some point in their lives. My son thinks this all the time. Dont forget that the older child was alone for a little while longer than the younger child and may crave that little more attention he "used" to have from you alone. Maybe take him out of school one day and treat him to a special one-on one day with dad - just because you love him. And then do the same for your younger son when he gets older.

Good luck, keep smiling and take deep breaths! :-)

Answer 11

Dad, you need to respect Jonathan's belongings and his control over them. He is getting bombarded from both sides- his little brother is getting away with stealing ( and taking things without permission is stealing!) and his protector and chief educator is punishing him for protecting what is his.

Set up simple rules/expectations and their consequences for both boys.



Physical violence such as punching is not acceptable.

Taking each others belongings without permission is not acceptable.

And Joseph needs to have his own games that Jonathan does not have so he has trade ability!



I am a single parent of 4 kids and putting angry hands on each other is punishable by 1 week without phone, computer, tv and extra chores are assigned. It is my major concern that they may harm each other when I am not able to be present. I have found that putting them in situations that require them to work together to accomplish a project allows them to complain to each other about me while bringing them closer together as a team.

I do my best to respect their space, their belongings and their opinions but the bottom line is they live in MY home that I provide for them and they must allow for my rules to prevail.

Answer 12

You need to set the two of them down at the table with you and have an open discussion about the matter of respecting everyone's personal property and space.



In the case of the video games, there are two options: (1) Share, since the games are being taken care of when borrowed, share them if this can't be resolved without a fight then option (2) All games will be placed on a shelve where everyone has access to them to use no matter who they belong to.



In the matter of fighting and or laying hands on each other in a disrespectful or abusive way: The two of you will get along, respecting each others' personal space being that of an arm length unless in a friendly or playful manner. There will be no abuse towards each other or the one who did the abuse will be punished.



In the matter of each others' room, space, or personal property: You will ask for permission before entering each others' room. Each will respect the others' property with the same respect that you would want that person to have of your own. Any act of taking without permission will be dealt with in restriction, loss of game time, computer time, or other punishment as I see fit.



The two of you will learn to get along, protect and defend each other without abusing each other. The home is your home, your room is your personal space, each will respect the others' as they want to have theirs respected. This means if you don't want your brother to go into your room without your permission or borrowing something without permission then don't do that to him.



In the case of anything that can't be agreed upon it will become general usage property in the home meaning it will be placed in an area for everyone to be able to use and have access to it.



I don't want to have to punish either of you but will if need be punish you both if you either one disrespect the other, or any of these conditions.





I hope this helps, I had seven children five girls, two boys and that was the basic core we had in the home. It did work though it did take a couple days to set in. I even made it up in posters placing it on each of their doors and in the living room where they could see it at all times and remember it.



Good luck and wish you the best.

Answer 13

Well you should take the younger one to the side and tell him he shouldn't take peoples things without asking, and if he does take someone else's things without asking, he's on his own. What ever that person decides to do is what he gets.( That's just to scare him). Also tell him that if he takes someones things that he will be punished if you find out.

Then take the older one and try to get him to share his things a little more. Then tell him hitting is not acceptable and if his brother takes his thing without permission to tell you so you can deal with it the right way.

Answer 14

They BOTH need punished, one for taking his brothers items without asking and the other for hitting.

Your youngest son has to understand that he just can't go into his brothers room and take his things--I can see why your oldest son is upset.

You as the parent have to explain this to him, just because the other brother isn't using his items doesn't mean they are for the taking.

Maybe you then can talk to both sons and meet in the middle and see what it would take to get the oldest son to share some items once in awhile.

You also need to explain to your oldest son that hitting is not acceptable behavior but you have to be ready to step in when the youngest son has taken something without asking and your oldest wants it back. You need to make the younger one give the item up.

Answer 15

he would tie us together (either three-legged style or around the waist) and make us go out into the yard and pick up pine cones. it doesn't sound like much, but after they fall over a couple times they will get along. plus it is a great way to punish both at the same time.

Answer 16

Punish The Youngest For Stealing The Games, Etc. And Punish The Eldest When He Reacts With Physical Violence.

Answer 17

Both of them need to learn a lesson. Punish them both. You younger son needs to learn to respect the property of others, and your oldest son needs to learn that violence is not the answer to any problem, particularly with a family member.



You need to be more aggressive on this action. If either of your sons would lock you out of his room, there is already a major problem brewing!!! Try using a lock on a closet, if worse comes to worse, but keep a key for both you and your older son, so that he is not hiding other things that he should not have.

Answer 18

Well you have to teach the 11 y/o not to steal but the 14 one that violence doesn't solve everything. Get him a punching bag



Good luck

Answer 19

my advice is you need to tell the oldest not to be selfish he need to share if his not going to share his brother you not going to buy him stuff anymore and teach them how to respect you and don't let him that you are the one who's going to respect him and about the youngest one teach him not to use things of others without permission even that his older brother he need to ask permission always hope it works!!and good luck

Answer 20

You have to do what you feel is fair and right. Different things work for different kids. There is no one size fits all punishment/discipline.

Answer 21

One thing my dad did to my brother and me was he would tie us together (either three-legged style or around the waist) and make us go out into the yard and pick up pine cones. it doesn't sound like much, but after they fall over a couple times they will get along. plus it is a great way to punish both at the same time.

Answer 22

kids fight all the time, i would instead focus on having the younger one ask and be more courteous. he can't just go using his brother's stuff without asking him, it's selfish. no, the older one shouldn't have hit him but thats less of an issue IMHO. look at it this way, he wouldn't have gotten punched if he hadn't used his brothers stuff without asking.

Answer 23

i suggest enrolling them both into a martial art. i was a bad kid till my parents put me in jujitsu and i learned alot about discipline and respect over the power, and if they took it serious enough theyd learn to resolve without physical conflict



karate or tae kwan do are good martial arts for kids there age

Answer 24

you were right... your elder sons needs a talk... on how he is the elder one and how he should look out for his younger bro and even protect him... make him understand.. that he was being selfish...

Answer 25

I would beat the older one for hitting him and beat the younger one for bein a ***** and taking it

Answer 26

do not ground them

but make them write like an eassy about their mistakes

it will teach them a lesson

Answer 27

fighting is good for people..it releases frustration and built up emotions that are unhealthy...humans are a violent race, and trying to keep them from being so can actually cause more problems than it prevents...