Family Problem. Please try helping me. Want mature advice only.?

Question

I have a family problem from a long time. To illustrate my problem first of all i would like to get all introduce to my family members. My family have 5 members - Mom, Papa, Eldest brother, Second elder brother and me, the youngest. Problem starts when my eldest brother cracked IIT and my second eldest brother can't. Because of his failure he became a frustrated person. He is right now working in a software firm as a senior software engineer..but he is not satisfied with his job. But there lies one more problem --- The problem is when he was in college he liked a girl of his batch but she refused him. Because of her refusal he became more frustrated and thinks that all girls are ******* *****. Since he can not relieve his frustration on others; he used to call everyday and cry on every single things thats goes out of his prediction. He used to emotionally torture my parents every single day via phone call and creeping on little things. He hardly have any friend to hang out with.
My problem starts when he comes home; he used to tease me on every single things and waits till am out of my temper and there then he starts beating me n abusing too. And he usually do this when my eldest brother is not at home. My parents support him on his this impotent act too and they only scold me. Recently i finished my engineering and dropped the offer of joining TCS because i want to b an IAS officer and from last 8 months am at home and preparing for that and i have to appear in it this May. He is 5 years elder to me and way physically stronger than me when it comes to fighting. I told this to my eldest brother he has suggested me to focus on my studies..and rented me a new house so that i can concentrate on studies. But by leaving home am really feeling wrong in terms of my parents ..even though my mother said that she dont care whether i live or die as she is concerned of his son first. But am feeling bad because if something medically bad happens to any of my parent..i would be not there to help them.
I thought of suiciding too but thats not a way of an IAS aspirant like me.
More info
1. My second eldest bro is bipolar by nature but he is refusing any medication so do my parents.
2. Beating has happened several times and this time it was way too serious .
3. Parents are against me and not talking to me a word.
4. Eldest brother is supportive but not fully. Can back out anytime.
5. Am financially dependent on my family for next one year more.
One more thing .. my family is very broad minded. They have brought me up like an angel very pampered one. But since when my brother failed in IIT entrance and in relationship this all began.

My eldest brother is 8 years older than me and other is 5 years.

Hoping for solution

Thanks

Answer 1

Richa, from you name I suppose you are a woman.right?



So you want to be an IAS officer? But do you know the most important part of being a female Administrative officer of such huge country where a woman needs to struggle a lot more than a man, is to have a good deal of assertiveness and even more gumption than men themselves? And by the way, you will need to be more proactive since for your subordinates will be needing more nudges from a female superior than a male one. Trust me, I am a govt. employee myself; and if you become an IAS I will probably be one among others to doubt you too, but will also be among the others to first acknowledge your authority too. But it wont happen until you try the same assertiveness and gumption in you personal life.



You might think why such a long lecture about being an IAS when the question is about personal life? I think you already guessed what I wanted by that. But to tell you loud and clear, you need to think about you - only you right now. It's not even a month from CSP, and it is not time to indulge in despair over treatment of your family to you. It is time for you to concentrate on studies. I say it because I'm seating for it too, but I never had the sort of damned dedication to study this requires and I hate to see somebody who has that, but is throwing away for a unhinged brother.



I don't blame your parents, since I guess it is a curious human nature that people sometimes forget to assess right and wrong, and parents forget about a strong but wronged child over a weak child. They are not in their proper state of mind because their love for your troubled brother is clouding theirs thoughts way too much, that doesn't mean that you also have to be out of your mind.



Just think, what if you don't assert control of your life right now and fall in despair along with them. You fear for them now, but will you be any use to them if you are in disarray yourself? You are in no place to help them right now, because they wont take any and neither you are capable. And anyway you can't even be with the if you are selected in IAS cadre, since there will be almost a year-long training involved before final posting. Hopefully they will be back to their senses be then and, you and your sane brother can sort out the mess with your troubled sibling.



And, by the way, didn't you say that your big brother is helping you out by renting you a house? Don't you think he deserves to see that his little sister succeed and not go down too. He trusts you and you need to return it. He alone should be good enough family for you right now. Others, you will have enough spare time to think about, may be after 2-3 years from now, and when hopefully I'll be among one of your sub-ordinates who will say, no, this 'Madam' has the mettle to lead us.



See you later, may be with a good lots of files for you to sign in your cabin in about 3 years?

Answer 2

Your age would be really helpful in knowing how to answer this question. If you are still a teenager living at home, my answer is going to be almost completely the opposite of if you are over 18 or 21 and no longer live with your family. Either way, you have a tough road ahead of you, because it sounds like you've already made your choice in your heart. I love it when someone is color blind, and I wish the whole world was. But reality is that it's not, and we have to live in the real world. If you choose your guy over your family, and you are mature enough to know that you will always be treated differently (as would any children you may have if you stayed together), then at least it's something you went into with your eyes open. If you are still a teen living at home, you need to (unfortunately) do what is expected of you from your family until you are out on your own or your life will continue to be a living hell. The thing that concerns me about your comments is how much emphasis you have placed on the sexual part of the relationship, because that doesn't really sound "mature." But maybe you are older than I am imagining, and you just wanted to clarify that part because it's the criticism you hear most often. You mention that you love your family and friends. You don't mention that you love your guy ... only that you make love with him. You say he makes you feel like a woman. But if you are an adult, you don't need a man to make you feel like a woman, you just ARE one. So, I don't know, I'm a little confused by the signals. But good luck to both of you.

Answer 3

Wow,so your brother has your parents scared too.So since he lives there with them yea i can see them push you away.Your brother needs help and your parents are denying him the help he needs.And that is sad that their letting him get away with all this abuse.Sorry but they are not acting as parents.They need to open their eyes fast before they lose all their kids.So you need to get a job to keep yourself busy and away from your brother.But you need to take care of you and you only.It maybe lonely at first but your getting out of all this drama.And if your parents don't want to see things for what they are then they are fulling themselves.You all need to go to therapy if possible.And if they don't you go.Noone should take any abuse at all.And your brother will only continue this so go and move on.And get the suicidal thoughts out of head.You haven't even started to enjoy your life See the therapist one on one.You are a strong women and if your parents want to turn their face on you well it sad but you know where you stand.So make your own life and find your own happiness because you won't get it from anyone at home.One day when your a mom you will learn the true meaning of being a mother because of your childhood experience.So you have a future now reach for the stars.You can do it for you and your future family.

Answer 4

Your problem is really rare and serious one. I am giving you a solution.

There are two options for you, first is stay away from your family and continue your dream of becoming IAS, or live with your family and solve the problem, running away from a problem is not a good thing.



If you choose option one, i will suggest you leave your home town and go to any nearby big city. Living in same city will not detach you from your family and your problem. And infact, in your family no one truly loves you, so why to live there?



If you choose option two, you may have to take break from your studies to help your family. The problem with your elder brother is love. He is not ready to accept the refusal till now. And he is becoming isolated and trying to prove that he is a winner and not a looser by putting control on you and your parents. He beats you to hide his failure. . . And your parents are supporting him because they want to bring him back in normal life by love and support. If parents also goes againist him, he will become more disturbed. Thats the position from the point of view of your parents. But your eldest brother is making a big mistake, he should take care of all these things for you. One thing i want to tell you that, your eldest brother has nothing to do with the family problem, he is just want to say, manage it at your own dont tell me anything to solve the problem.



You have to select any one of the options. You can not do both things at the same time. Either became selfish like your eldest brother or support your family by sacrificing your desires. Decision is yours.



Your elder brother needs love from a girl. Can you try to find a girlfriend for him? This will solve your elder brother problem 100%. A girl can do magic in any boy's life. That girlfriend will change your elder brother. Or do his marriage, after marriage he will get into track. Try to get help from your relatives in this regard. After getting love your brother will become normal one. His problem is lack of love and he thinks he is a big looser, but dont like others think that he is a looser, thats why he is beating and doing all those things to prove his power. Nothing else.



TRUST ME, EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. JUST BELIEVE ON GOD, KEEP FAITH IN YOURSELF AND BE STRONG.

(mail me if you want any help).

you are really a nice girl, be nice as you are. Bye. Take care. thank you.

Answer 5

I would suggest staying as far away from him as possible even if that means living away from your parents to focus on your studies!

Answer 6

Call Adult Protective Services and let them know what is going on. You can call your local SRS office and they can give you the number.