What should I do? Should I have read my daughters diary?

Question

I read my 17 year old daughters diary last night, and I'm so scared. I know I shouldn't have done it but she's been worrying me a lot lately and I needed to know what was going on.

Last year, I noticed cuts on her arms, and I confronted her about them. She passed them off as scratches from her friends cat, and so I left it. I thought they were self inflicted but I thought that me pulling her up about it might scare her into not doing it anymore.
Last month I noticed cuts on her arms again, which were clearly self inflicted. She'd been wearing long sleeved shirts all the time and so I didn't notice, but when I did notice them she became quiet and when I asked her about them she just ignored me and brushed me off. I asked her why she was doing this to me and she just stormed off. I've told her not to do it again but behold! Another random bruise appears on her arm, which I noticed while she was sleeping. I don't know what to do! For now I've just left it because I could see that talking about it was making her upset, so I decided to just move on.

Now I've started to notice other things. My daughter isn't fat but she's always been a little wary of food. She eats either very little or she eats enough to feed an army. One day she could have nothing but lettuce and cucumbers, and then next I find wrappers and boxes and food missing from the fridge. She categorizes food into "clean", "dirty" and "Safe". She doesn't let me make her food, and if I touch it in anyway she won't eat it. She doesn't like eating in front of anyone and everytime she eats anything she drinks water in between bites. She can make a small yoghurt last for half an hour. She could eat salad for her tea, but then late at night she'll at lots of food with water. She sometimes smells like vomit, and if I turn the tv on mute I'll hear water running upstairs.

I don't know what's going on but this isn't my daughter. I don't want to bring it up because I feel awkward and she just ignores it. But I want to know what I've done that's made her want to punish me like this. My husband has died and I've suffered for years because of it. I don't know why she's putting me through this.

When I read her diary it started in January and all the way through she's just talking about how she's not eating, how she's throwing up when she binges, how she cuts when she eats. I don't know what to do now because I'm scared to tell her that I read her diary, but she needs help.

What should I do?!

Answer 1

As her mother, you have maternal instincts so it's your job to do whatever it takes to help when you see danger including reading her diary so yes, it is your job to read it. You worry like it makes you a bad friend but guess what -- you are not friends. You are her mother and she is still your job. You are going to take some hard knocks until she gets over her insecurities but you must hold together and remain the strong one until this blows over... and it will blow over.

Answer 2

First of all, she is not doing it to punish you at all. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. She is hurting for some reason. Don't tell her not to do it to you, because it has nothing to do with you.



You need to step in and get her into some counseling. You noticed the cuts and you noticed the eating habits change. Talk to her, even if she doesn't appear to listen or "brushes" you off.



She needs you and she needs you to listen to her without judging her. When people cut, they do it so that they don't have to feel the emotional pain. If they cut, they feel the physical pain which is more tolerable than whatever it is inside that is causing the emotional pain.



You are her mother and you need to get her help. You are responsible for her well being. She has a eating disorder and needs help. Pray for her too. Call and get her an appointment today with a therapist. Tell her that you will go with her and if she wants, you will go in the room with her or wait in the waiting room. You tell her that you love her and her doing these things breaks your heart that she is hurting and you don't know how to help, but you are going to try to before it is too late.

Answer 3

Well, maybe she isn't talking to you, because maybe your the cause of her mental problems.



I'd look into getting her help. And I really think having her locked up on the ward will help for now. They can observe her and help her.

Arrange for it ahead of time and either have them come get her or make a surprise stop for some reason and make sure she's with of course and take her inside and let them take it from there. It's called LOVE mom. You'll fight within your own self, thinking she'll hate you for it, but she needs the help.



I did this with my son. He's grown now and if any time something like it is brought up, he hugs me big and says Thank You Mom for doing what you did for me. LOVE it's called LOVE

Answer 4

While reading this...two things came to mind. The first one I noticed right away; you keep asking for help for yourself when your daughter is the one who clearly needs the help. "I want to know what I've done that's made her want to punish me like this." This makes me so mad! It is completely selfish to be thinking of how you are being affected here, your daughter is crying out for help!!! And you are worried about your own emotions, rather than the safety of your child. What needs to happen, in my opinion, is a stern talking too. Do not let her brush you off. Be assertive! Bring all of this up to her...you don't have to mention anything about the diary unless she asks. Just tell her you have been noticing all these things, and that you KNOW something is wrong. You can give her the option to clean up her act and knock all of this off, or you can send her to therepy. (she needs to talk to someone and that might not be you.) She will probaly hate you for this, but if you are assertive and make her go to therepy I think it will all work itself out. She probaly has emotions built up inside of her that she feels awkward to talk to you about. She may also have hormones going crazy, making her feel depressed, angry, sad and other mixed feelings...depending upon her age. You need to be more concerned for her than your own personal emotions about how you are being effected.

Answer 5

Your daughter might be depressed and bulimic.Just sit her down and talk to her about it. Before you talk to her though,assure her to not be mad or embarassed and that you're just trying to help her. Tell her she souldnt walk off and its her turn to listen to you. Tell her what you have noticed,(the smell of vomit,long sleeve shirts,ect.) However,if i were you i wouldnt mention you read her diary,because that makes things worse and she wont trust you from now on. If you know her that she wont get mad that you read her diary then i dont think it matters if you tell her. Ask your daughter what has been happening,and that you need to seek help in order for her to get better. I hope it goes well.

Answer 6

I seem to understand you. First of all, you must be boosted up. She might be suffering from an acute disorder.



Get an appointment for counselling. At present never say that you have read her diary. All you have to understand is "she is not doing anything in a point of hurting you. She is depressed.



You must help her. She needs affection from you at the peak. Express your affection. Be friendly.

Everything will get alright. I pray to God. After everything is fine tell her that you did all of these after reading her diary.



Good Luck...

Answer 7

I noticed similar stuff with a friend of mine and so I consulted a professional about it. She said its best to slowly investigate things but not push them and to after a while suggest seeing a counsellor. I think you just need to ask a professional for help. And there are many places that help kids that have something going on like that. But first try talking to her first. Good luck :) hope it all turns out well

Answer 8

OK seriously? this was painful for me to read because your reaction to the situation was just pathetic. WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED OF BEING CONFRONTATIONAL? You didn't ask her because you "were afraid she might stop"? does that make any sense to you? Dont you want her to stop!? You shouldn't have to resort to reading her diary and she has the right to be pissed about that. You dont have to tell her you even read it. Just tell her that its obvious that something is wrong. Grow a backbone and have a serious conversation with your daughter. Get her help if she needs it.

Answer 9

You shouldnt of had read her diary even if you were worried. I know where youre coming from when you say you want to help her but her diary is the only place she feels safe to write her secrets and feelings in. If my parents would read my diary i wouldnt trust them cause thry didnt respect my space and looked in my stuff. Woyld you like it if somebody looked in your stuff? It isnt the solution it will just make things worse cause you will be acting akward infront of her cause you know more if what youre supposed to. My addvice stop looking in her stuff and instead find a socialworker who could talk to her about her problems she might talk to her cause she is a professionel and used to those things. Sorry but teenagers dont really talk about their problems like that to their parents even if your the best mom im sure you are but it would be akward for her to. Good luck

Answer 10

talk to her about it, but dont let her know youread her diary. be motherly and kind dont get mad understand why she does it from her pint of veiw. then help or try to help her evn if that means seeing a doctor i believev punishong her owuld just make her more mad and she would do it more, to annoy you



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Answer 11

Make an appointment with your doctor and make her go with you. If she refuses, as an absolute final resort, you could have her committed.

Answer 12

You're the parent, punish her, if I was the parent, I would punish her. Sorry, but this is the only way to do this.