Am I too possessive over my son?

Question

I need serious answers only. I dont know if this is normal or if i need help!

My son is 3 and his dad was in is life for the first 6 months and then went off with his girlfriend and was rarely in touch with my son. However now he has decided to return and has got his new girlfriend pregnant. He always acted violent towards me infront of my son also.

The thing is I can't stand my son being out of sight! Even when i go to work or uni. I only ever leave with my son with my mum cos she's the only person i trust. I worry my friends will use my son 'to show off' and act as if my son is theirs!

Now his dad wants him & even though i'm apprehensive because of his violence, i also don't want him trying to make any other female to 'play mummy' to my son. I dicussed this with him years ago & he still put my son into his, then girlfriends arms when my son was 2 weeks old! I cried myself to sleep for weeks because of that!

Do i need help or is what im feeling normal?

Answer 1

Given the trouble you've had i nthe past you are becoming over-protective. Its not a bad thing and the dad may not be trust worthy enough but he is still his father and he can;t want to do him any harm.



I would recommend going to see a counsellor, who can be objective, unlike your family and explain about your past, maybe it will help you feel better now and get everything you have bottled up off your chest. It certainly helped me but completely different scenario. It can;t do you any harm!

Answer 2

First Calm down and have a cup of tea. You are a mother, a protective mother and at age 3 (your son), I do not blame you, but becareful not to use him as a crutch, when your baby father, put him in the arms of his, then girlfriend, that was to do exactly what it accomplished, most women would have felt like you did, and we would even harvest those feelings as you have, now, put those feelings on the back side of your heart, STOP applying so much time to think about them. If you continuing to let them rule your heart, then the mission has been accomplished. Does this father pay child support, if not go to your local child support office and activate it, even if you do not care if you get it or not, as this will help in preventing the father from having the child until it is reviewed in court, just wanting to have the child is not cut and dry, if you use the tools that are provided, mostly free of charge to mothers. With a violent past, I too would be apprehensive about him taking the child. The situations with your friends have got to be corrected, politely by you. If you are there, then answer whatever questions before the others have a chance too, do not be rude, but firm. When kids are small, sometimes it is just normal for people to ask, is this your baby or he looks just like you, even though the baby doesn't, just don't put to much into it, and continue to love your son and yourself. Good Luck.

Answer 3

I don't think you are too possessive over him. And you don't need help. All your son has know are your rules, and your way of raising him. You 2 have a special bond and nothing will ever change that. You might think he likes his dad and his girlfriend but he will always want to come home to you. My dad didn't see me for 2 years and I still haven't forgiven him for it. Even when your son has grown up and is starting his own life he will still call you for any issue and even just to talk. His father will have to call him. With him being violent, as long as he never lays a hand on your son, or hits his girlfriend in front of him don't worry about it. Your son will be the first to tell you what has been going on. And don't worry about his girlfriend that's all she is and your son knows that. I hoped I helped you a little. But what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Answer 4

Being a mum is a difficult thing and I get the impression you have become very anxious and could do with some help. If you are not with the little boys father then at some stage he will have to meet his dads girlfriend, even if it isn't this one. I am sure you would rather the girlfriend loved your son than was horrible to him. The violence thing is another issue. Your anxiety about friends wanting to push the pram is a bit over the top.

Answer 5

I used to say my lil brother was mine..when I was YOUNG and I thought it looked cool. NOT! You and your friends must be a bit on the young side to care about that pettiness.

(I don't mean this nastily but it's petty, you know he is yours what's the big deal)

You are now considered a PARENT and must look after your son and have his best interest at heart. You can not keep him from his father, if the father is abusive and this is reflected in his current relationship then maybe you should go to court.

If the dad has moved on that is something you must deal with. Your son knows who his mother is and beleive me no one can take your place if your being a great parent. Wouldn't you feel better if your son is going off with his dad and he at least LIKES the new girlfriend? Why not meet with her and try to take a liking to the person who is going to be around your son regardless..sooner or later?

You have to be mature about these things and stop thinking of YOUR feelings of jealousy....you both have a son to raise.

So if the problem is your fear of violence...towards your CHILD then do it through court..if not grow up fast because whether you like it or not your baby daddy has moved on and when you move on I'm sure you don't want any headaches or issues with the dad accepting it...

Answer 6

You have every right to feel that way about not wanting your son to be with his father. However, his father should get a evaluation to see if he has changed and fit for visitation at this time.



On to the other things I noticed. You say you're afraid your friends would pretend your son is theirs. That's silly and babyfide. Why would they do that? I think that's some made up fear in your mind.



Another thing. you don't want another female playing "mummy" to your son. This is silly, as well. If in the future your ex gets visitation and it turns out that his spouse loves and adores your child than you should appreciate that and not worry that someone will steal that title from you. If you're doing the best you can and giving your son love and attention then why feel threatened? Isn't it better for another female to treat him as good as you do instead of crappy just so you'll feel less jealous.

You have some growing up to do. In the meantime get the court to order an evaluation of your ex.

Answer 7

Oh you lovely person...of course its normal under the circumstances! I can well remember my friends doing that with my son and yes, it drove me nuts. We should be flattered that our friends want our sons as their own! The one thing you need not worry about is any of dads girlfriends being mum to your boy. No-one on Gods earth could take your place for him. He might like the gf but she will never be better than you. I had to let mine go to stay with his dad and gf and it grated for a while but then I sort of thought, if my son is happy then I must be too. My son is with his dad this summer for a month which is the longest we have been apart (he is now 11). I did let him go to nursery school and after school clubs because I didn't have anyone else to help but I really do feel for you in your situation. Now one or two of my friends have said to me that they would have helped me more but I was too possessive of my son and when I look back I see that is so. I actually regret it quite a bit as he is now rather clingy with me although it is getting better. The reality is that parents have to give 'love and wings' - we have to allow them to be independent whether we like it or not. By not helping this part, we are not doing them any favours in the long term. Your son loves you and you just have to be more confident in the upbringing you have given him.

Answer 8

Right now you are dealing with a few separate things that are indeed making you over-protective.



One, due to your ex's proclivity towards violence, it is perfectly acceptable for you to not allow your son to be alone with him. If he really wants to be part of your son's life he can start out with supervised visitation.



Next, if the visitation does work out and your ex plays by the rules, you will need to put your own feelings aside and deal with your son having a step-mother. It is very important for boys to have a relationship with their fathers.



Now as to the rest, why in the world would your friends pretend he was theirs? Believe me having a child is not a draw for men.



And you can't stand having him out of your sight? Too bad, he has to have opportunities to learn how to socialize and adapt to new environments. He should at the very least be going to nursery a couple ties a week and having playdates as well.



If you do not encourage him to be away from you and to be with others, you are going to an apprehensive, frightened, shy child who will not be able to function properly in groups, school, unniversity, jobs........



Time for you to either get a bit of counseling, or buck up on your own. YOU are now a parent need to put your desires aside for the sake of your child.

Answer 9

First of all the father is a big jerk , stay away at any cost.

"I worry my friends will use my son 'to show off' and act as if my son is theirs!" If i understand correct you are afraid that your friends will use your son as their own kid ?! why ?! If thats what is happening either u dont know any real friends or your overacting.The child should never EVER be involved in any way with the problem of the parents.

Answer 10

You dont have a problem at all



My kids are 24 - 24 and 26 they have homes of their own, and I STILL resent them going anywhere near my ex's woman. I hate the thought of her saying theyre her step-sons. Well, theyre NOT!!!!



As young as your son is, could you not apply for supervised visits and only the father to see him?



As for your friends? I think youre probably being a little paranoid. NO-ONE is going to take your son away from you, your friends cant and dont want to. Its a novelty to push the pram, to answer questions, all theyre doing is 'playing at being mum' for those few precious hours that they are with your child. If they have no children yet or their's are older again its their chance to enjoy your son...........let them hun, it gives you a little break knowing that you have other responsible adults to care for him, and that youre not alone, coping on your own.

Answer 11

From the First Two paragraphs you wrote:




Get some counciling. What ever pin up agression issues you have against the father needs to be resolved.

If the father is, and I mean IS violent, you need to take this matter to an attorney so you can have him under supervised visitations. Do you receive child support from him? Maybe you should consider this, too. -Hope this helps. God Bless.

Answer 12

No!! You are being a mom. With your ex- you can get supervised visits if you have proof of the abuse or if you have proof that it was physically or mentally damaging to you. For me that would be the way to go if he were my ex-. My son, now 11, never had any other person watch him except for his grandmothers and his aunt. With your friends I would talk to them and tell them how you feel. If they are really your friends they will understand. You sound like you are a great mother. Once again you are not being over pertective.

Answer 13

Yours son's father is Violent then I don't think your son will like to get hurt, brust, or else. And I don't think your son when he get old and he see his mom always get yell, hit by his father, and I also don't think he will like to see his dad has 2 wives, and his dad treat the other wife better than his mom!

So I think you should not accept your son's father get back and take care of you and your son! Even though your son might not has a father, but I believe he will be understand when he get older!



And if he is your son, then hold him yourself, don't let your friends hold him, just tell them that your son like you to hold him better than they do! And he is your son, and you are his mother, you have the choice to let the other hold him or not, and you have the right to protect your own son!



So Good-Luck!

Answer 14

Its perfectly normal to be protective of your son. But you are going to the extreme, you need to get some phylogical help.

As for your friends tell people thats their son its absolutely wrong, when someone asks them if this is your son they should immediately respond he is my friend, sister, etc son and thank you for the compliment. As for your ex temper and violence.You should go to court and insist from the judge takes anger management classes and explain why also explain his constant girlfriend changing you do not approve in front of your child.

Answer 15

You have to make up for the absence of a dad thatswhy you feel you cant leave him alone as his dad did just that he walked out of him so i think we found your reason.



You have to realize that protection is not the same as LOVE as a matter of fact overprotection can let a child end up feeling incompetent,insecure and without any confidence nor selfesteem.I know you love your child and you want him to grow up healthy also mentally so show you LOVE instead of your overprotection as that has everything to do with your feeling of failure nothing to do with him but i think you are doing great and your son will think same.as for your friends just tell them how feel as being your friends they want to do the right thing and let them at times babysit so you can have some time for yourself you need it.

Answer 16

Every mum feels possessive and it is perfectly normal under the circumstances...



Do not let this man bully you anymore.....



Re the violent incident infront of your son . .this is not acceptable by any means...



See a solicitor and ask about supervised visits ...Ie the dad will have to have visits under the supervision of a social worker because of the violence...



If he continues to bully you get a restraining order .. he can not just walk into his life when it suits him and lay all the rules down ..



You are the one who can call the shots not him



good luck xx

Answer 17

I don't know what is normal but personally I would feel the same way in your shoes.

Just for the record, I wouldn't leave my sons with anyone but my mum either, so no, you don't need help, just a good solicitor and support from your loved ones. Good luck.

Answer 18

You have every right to feel apprehensive about letting your ex have your son....I would NOT allow him unsupervised visits, considering his past history of violence.



However, the rest of it really is over the top. Worrying that your friends will act like your son is theirs??? You would probably benefit from some counseling.

Answer 19

I don't think it is a good idea for your ex boyfriend to see him unsupervised if he was violent, if he doesn't like this then you must see a solicitor. If you are able to talk to him then just say that you don't mind his girlfriend holding him but you don't want him to call her 'mum' Your son will always know who his mum is.

Answer 20

Yes, you are being over-protective, and that's not good either for your son or yourself.

As parents we want to protect our children of any harm, but how will you teach him how to protect himself if you're not teaching the tools, what's going to happen when he goes to school? You want your son to be so shy that he won't enjoy how fun is being with other kids and adults.

Also, let other people love your son, always with care and caution but it's wonderful knowing that our son is love and not ignored by everybody don't you think?

My daughter's children have a stepmother and when they're with their father and her they have a wonderful time because she treats then with love and respect and that's a big relief to my daughter.

If your ex was aggressive, just make sure he understand your concern and agree to make the time he spend with his son a loving time.

Answer 21

Of course you don't need help - your just a good mum!!!



I would maybe get some legal advice on this one tho as I am not in a posisiton to offer advice!



As for your friends - you need to be able to trust them- do you think its because of you that you don't trust them or have they ever given you reason to make you not trust them??



As for the father being violent I would def seek legal advice!!



Good luck!!xx

Answer 22

Your son's father sounds like he has a violent streak and is a mean spirited man. I don't think you should let him have the child unless it is under supervision. He sounds like a spoiled brat. You are a mother. If you don't feel right about something don't let it happen.

Answer 23

I dont think you need help youre just concerned for your son's saftey and you love him alot, i can see SURELY see why you dont want another woman raising your child or playing mommy especially when she has one on the way, its like a stab in the back, and youre afraid your son wont recognize you in the future. if he wants your son and is willing to fight for him in court, then just fight back dont hide in the corner, i doubt he would win since he sleeps with every woman on the block, hmmm not much responsiblity in him

Answer 24

i personally think that is normal, i mean to not trust the dad because of what he did! what a jerk! but to not trust the friends, maybe it hurts their feelings... your mom might get tired of him, and I would try one of your best known friends, but only for a few hours and then come back right one time and ask. maybe even try a babysitter, afterall she is at your house and tell her to call if any em, also call to check up and ask about the baby. It will work! :)

Answer 25

i think the violence factor alone is reason enough to keep that guy OUT of the lives of you and your son



the fact that he wont live up to his responsibilities and cant stay faithful are other factors



if he wants to take it to court then please DO make sure all these factors are taken into account



it sounds like you are doing your best with your son in caring for his needs without any 'help' from your ex

Answer 26

i have 2 grown sons,and there is nothing wrong with you wanting to protect your son,there should be more mothers like you,don't listen to people who have no kids,or your ex's girlfriend,you are a loving and caring mother,nothing wrong with that,and if you ex is abusive,i understand why you would cry yourself to sleep,your a good mom,keep the good work up

Answer 27

You are like most mothers. You want to be the one to take care of your child. But you are way too protective, not trusting your friends. Not trusting your Ex is the right thing to do, but your friends? You should trust your friends.

Answer 28

i think your just a normal protective mum.

i think your ex partner should try and get to know your son againg on his own before he introduces him to other people. whether it be his current girlfriend or male friends.

you could always request your ex comes to your house for visits and you stay there too, but he must come on his own.

your son needs stability and not here today gone tomorrow, father and girlfriends.

Answer 29

yes you need some backbone sweetheart to tell that animal to keep out of your life and your son's and dont smother your son//and i don't mean this as it might sound but i think a visit to your doctor would be a good idea

Answer 30

YES you need help its OK to protect your son that what every parent want .BUT you are obsess with your son he will grow up to resent you. IF you keep on the path you are on.

Answer 31

If you've got a bad feeling about his dad, follow it. There is a reaosn behind it. Unless court ordered, don't let your son's dad do anything with him.

Answer 32

I wouldn't let my son anywhere near someone with violent tendancies. Move and dont tell him where you are going.

Answer 33

Your doing a good job with your son, you need to kick your hubby out of the house he is violence to you and maybe one day to your son. If he never leaves then you and your son go.....Ok.................................A Friend

Answer 34

no thats sounds right to me go with your gut instinct only you knows and if you dont do whats right what chance has he got your there to protect you go girl

Answer 35

no something wrong with him,get some help.