I need help with my family.. my mother mostly.. but im just fed up of living at home.. read below..?

Question

Hello, my name is lauren and im 16, im still in school doing my exams, I have amazing friends, and an amazing boyfriend so I am pretty much leading a normal life.
Im really not quite sure how to explain this but im going to try anyway.
okay basically Im finding it very hard to live with my mother at the moment, i understand that mothers are there to look after you, protect you and help you in anyway they can, and trust me she does exactly that, I may not like it at times like when she doesn’t want me to go to a party because theres alcohol and boys and drugs. But she should know that she can trust me I have only just recently had sex with my boyfriend and wwe've been going out for five months and i really do love him.i have never got drunk, to what she knows, she has never seen me drunk. And I have never! And never will do drugs! I love her for protecting me but sometimes she can be so over the top about it. I remember one time I was going to go the beach with some friends and that morning my battery was low on my phone, so she wanted one of my friends phones numbers, fair enough! So she can get hold of me but when she started asking for everyone else's phone numbers aswell, i started to think well why? And she took my phone, got everyones numbers and text them all to make sure I was actually going to the beach. HOW EMBARRASSING! I don’t know why she does that, I have never lied and gone to a place I didn’t say I was going to. She honestly treats me like im f**king 11! Its not just that she is over protective that drives me insane, but she is so bloody difficult to live with, she is depressed and just permanently upset, she has ocd so everything has to be completely perfect and that is the complete opposite of me, so that drives me slightly mad with the smallest thing like I make toast, and there is a few crumbs on the bloody kitchen counter and she shouts at me and says ive made a huge mess and there f**king crumbs EVERYWHERE! Or if she says ive been rude, when I honestly don’t even know what I just said so when she leaves the room im standing there like what the hell I was not just rude to you, oh my god didn’t even … and it drives me mad for ages. I know that she is depressed because my step dad recently left us, for many serious reasons, which im not going to go into great detail about. Basically prison, adultery and anger problems. What I get upset about most is that im upset about all of this too, even though my mum was in love with this man, I thought of him as my dad, and I find it very hard living without him, I miss him, I really do! But then I don’t want this man back in my life and my mums life again they were together nearly 6 years and at the very last minute he just ruined everything for me and my mum and even himself.

Im just not really sure what to do with myself anymore, im always upset I try to be happy and make my mum happy but it never seems to work. I always act off with my boyfriends because im upset.. and ARGH! Im fed up of being a teenager. Ive cut myself before, nobody knows that, I just hid it for ages and when finally somebody saw it I blammed it on my cat.
My mums hit me a few times, Ive tried to hit her back, but I don’t want to! I end up going into another room, hitting a door and breaking my knuckles, or cutting them really bad. I think both of us have some kind of anger problem. Ive tried to see a counciler but she didn’t help.. just seemed like she didn’t care about what I was saying because she was all like mmmm.. so how do you feel about that.

I need some help you all may think I am over reacting but this is really difficult for me. Is this a normal life a teenager should be living? Having arguments with her mum 24/7? Wanting to hurt herself and thinking about killing herself? Has nightmares everytime she goes to sleep?

How can I get over this.. I can I help my mum to become a better person and not make me want to cry myself to sleep?

Answer 1

There are many things going on here, Lauren... but the main one I think is that your mom has dependency issues, and is having difficulty coping with changes in her life.



Her daughter is growing up fast, and even though her choice of man is questionable she goes back to him because he's familiar. Calling all your friends to check up on you is the only way she feels she can get any control back over her life. And you are her life. It's obvious she cares about you.



The other problem is that you're a teen. The way you see things is changing from a child's perspective to an adult's perspective, and your hormones are all over the place. That leads to behaviour that is a little crazy... Not that you're crazy. It's not your fault. You just have to keep an eye on the way you behave, try not to talk back or shout. Or cut yourself. That's _your_ way of trying to get back control over your life.



Here's the funny thing: You and your mom are feeling the exact same way about everything. Exactly the same way. Right down to arguing with and manipulating those you care about. In her case, you; In your case, your friends.



You and your mom aren't alone. This sort of thing happens to thousands if not millions of families.



There's no 'quick fix'. This won't all go away overnight, so you have to be strong. If your mom can't be the responsible one, you might have to take on some of that responsibility. In fact, if there's any changes to be made, they're within yourself... and your mom of course, but she's not the one reading this answer :)



There you are wishing you weren't a teen any more, and life has thrown you the opportunity (a painful one) to not be one any more... and even if you've not realised that directly, it scares the heck out of you.



I know it scared the heck out of me when I had to start doing adult things and not think like a kid or a teen any more.



Even if you can't change right away (which would be understandable), try not to think too far ahead right now. It's a cliché, but one day at a time is your best bet.



Your first step is to do all you can not to p*ss off your mom. Keep tidy. Keep sensible hours. At least for a little while until she starts to trust you again (or she'll be calling all your friends again). Maybe even - yikes - help around the house if you don't already. If your boyfriend is really great, convince him to help you help your mom!



Also: Reassure your mom you're there for her. That might be hard to do what with all the fighting and control freakery, but it's one of the easiest things to start with. You need to be the support she needs until she stops panicking, controlling you and thinking about taking her life.



Eventually she'll be strong too (those nightmares will hopefully go away, and maybe even your 'useless' step-dad will go away too), and you can start leaning on each other for support.



Good luck.

Answer 2

hey.

you sound like a really nice girl :) but u just got put in a bad scenario

You just need to find a coping mechanism.

i hated my mom too, and one thing led to another and i was put in an insane asylum for 1 week.

i effing hate therapists too. theyre brainless.



you need to have a hope, something you can look forward to in the future.

like going to college or moving in with ur boyfriend one day or something.



i guess just think about life. how your 16. and youll probly live to be at least 60.

so you gotta think of all the good times that are bound to happen inbetween then.



i know sitting down and trying to talk sense into your mom probly wont work. cuz she should not be hitting you. but if worse comes to worse, call child services and try to move in with your dad

Answer 3

First off hurting yourself should never even be an option! The world is such a big and wonderful place you just need to find your way. As for your relationship with your mom, u need to realize that she may be going through some emotional problems and she just really loves you and doesn't want anything bad to happen to you, try putting yourself in her shoes. Try talking and explaining to her your situation, help her out with what she's going through

Answer 4

Be thankful that you have a mother that cares about you. She knows what she's doing and you need to appreciate her alot more.