Is it unhealthy to grieve a death after 17 years or is it normal?

Question

Just wondering, I lost my father when I was 5 years old. It's weird I have just faint memories...I remember riding on his back (piggy-back). I can't help but to think about him all the time...the what if's drive me crazy...I see a son & his father playing ball in a park...friends that say: "Hey I'll ask my dad"
My mother remarried several years later and he was a good step father...but not the same. They had 2 other kids...not my "real" brother & sister and they would be hurt to hear me say that...I feel like an outsider. My relationship with my step-dad is good...but his love for his 2 kids is really special and very different...I'm the odd man out. I wish I could hear from my dad's old friends...I wish I could hear one of them say...I knew your old man...and man would he be proud of you...I'd give my right arm for that. I have researched everything I can on my dad, I have letters and several things he owned...I feel this missing piece in my life. My dad was a cop.

Answer 1

Hey, no moe dreaming, where are his old friends? This is your mission, find them, I'm sure one will give you some of what you're looking for.



You're right, a stepfather can never replace your bio dad. So sorry for your loss. Lucky you have a stepfather who is cool enough. It's natural to feel a bit like an outsider.



Keep the memories of your dad alive. But you know, deep down, your dad would also want you to value life and have friends, do fun things, meaningful things, find a love, get married, and maybe have a kid one day,...so dedicate your life to his memory. Make him proud.



Speak to your dad in prayers to the stars. Even though we shed this physical body, our souls live on. Some reincarnate and some stay in a sleep for awhile before reincarnating on Earth or other planes of existance. Most souls on Earth are sleeping and don't realize this.



Check out a book called "Embraced by the Light"

http://www.embracedbythelight.com/index.html





and this guys website:

http://www.dannion.com/main.htm





They actually died on the operating table and saw the other world. He was able to tell Drs things that he shouldn't have known.



Maybe the loss of your dad also haunts you to awaken ou to this.

Answer 2

Oh your message made me cry. I feel that you have a constant reminder with your family set up of your father.So no I do not thiink it abnormal since it is with you every day that the other two children DO have a father and you do not. Perhaps if you could get out of that environment for a while ( are you 22 or 17?)and find a place where you yourself are fulfilled and find purpose, it would help? Although I am certain your mother does not feel you are 'odd man out' Do you have a job? Can you find something that fulfills you or that you are interested in? I mean your father is in your heart and you are carrying on the values he instilled in you ( most you cannot even remember but those early years are the crucial formative ones) . He would not want you to have this sadness, would he? I mean He would want you to remember him, but go on and live your life to the very fullest and carry on his legacy. Best wishes and I am very sorry

Answer 3

You may not be grieving after 17 years, but for sure, you feel cheated.



Cheated for not being able to know your father, spending time with him growing up, and having a relationship with him. And I know for sure, my children feel strange (hurt, sad) when their friends say "I'll ask my dad". This is normal.



But you have one extra thing on your side. Unfortunately, your father past away, you were loved by him. He was not like so many fathers (including my childrens) who just up and left, never kept in touch, to the detriment of their children.



Hold the memories you have, write them down, next to pictures if you have them. This way you can not only remember but treasure them.



Your are not an outsider, consider it an extended family, for if they were gone, you would miss them dearly. Find things in common with your brother and sister. Unfortunately, sometimes it does show that they may have a special relationship, there is nothing you can do about that. Just know you are loved in your own special way!!



And know your father loved you, he did not leave because he wanted to.

Answer 4

I think its normal to be sad for the loss of your Dad. He was an important part of your life, and he was prematurely taken from you. Of course no one can take his place.



I suspect that you may be sad but maybe you have not grieved. Society has a funny way of looking down on boys and men who shed tears, so they get stuck repressing really sad feelings -- which makes the feelings then linger on unresolved.



You're 22? Can you afford counseling, or can you maybe use counseling services at your school (if you go to college)? When I lost my Dad to cancer two years ago, counseling made all the difference in the world to me. I was trying to "be strong" for everyone else and "move on" from his death. We talked about how much I missed him, the unfairness that he was taken before I could give him a grandchild, and all the things he would never get to share with me. Admitting that I felt ripped off and lonely because all these dreams would never come to fruition and grieving these things was the beginning of the healing process. Maybe it could be for you, too.



Good luck, and God bless.

Answer 5

a relationship between father and son is so special and you lost your dad at the time where you need him the most.. for sure you'll always remember the little time you've spent with your dad.. it's the sweetest thing right.. even though you have step dad but no one can replace your old man pal.. no wonder you still miss him.. it's normal.. i think you are really strong coz it's already 17 years and you still live with the memory of your dad.. i'll love my dad more after this..

Answer 6

hey I feel your pain. My father passed away last year. I miss him so much. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. all most everything I see makes me think of him. life has gotten easier as it goes on but I still feel like a big part of me is dead. I wish he was still here. It's just not the same without dad. I could talk to him about anything. all of my friends are getting married and they have their dad's to walk them down the isle...but not me. I can't call my dad to come save me now when something bad happens. And when people complain about stupid stuff I'm just like Come on now, it's not that big of deal when you compare it to the pain of losing your best friend in the whole wide world.

I feel like a 28 year old orphan, but your not alone. I understand and feel your pain because I am going through a similar situation. Don't worry it will be alright. why don't you try to find out from people who used to work with you dad what he was like?

good luck. let me know how it works out for you.

Answer 7

Hi..

It's very difficult for a child to grieve the loss of one of his parents, without total participation of the remaining parent..

It had to be very difficult for your mom as well..but perhaps in her grief, she didn't realize how important it was for you to greive as well(being you were only 5 years old) She probably thought she was protecting you... She probably didn't realize how important it was for her to share in the grieving process with you.

It's very important for a child to understand the loss is real..

It's important for a child to feel the hurt, as well as see the surviving parent mourn..In your case, your mom..

Holding everything in, instead of sharing the mourning stops the grief process..

Sometimes the surviving parent is unable to see rhe child's pain..

I don't know if you and your mom spoke of your dad often..

Have photos of him in the house

Transferring some of that emotional energy into life again is important..

It sounds as though you've never had closure to your dad's death Hon..

Even though you're 22 years old now..You still need that closure..It's important..

Perhaps you and your mom can spend some time together away from the others..and you both just talk about your dad..

I also don't think it's a bad idea to see a grief counselor..You definately need closure,so you can get on with your life..

I wish you the very best..But please speak to your mom about your dad.. Write down questions that you would like to ask her..It's never too late!

If he has any living realitives or friends..visit them...

And don't forget to find a good grief counselor..Good Luck..and God Bless you!

Answer 8

wow..i personally feel sorry for you for experiancing that. as both a stranger and someone who still have both parents, im sorry that i can not truely provide good advice or be able to tell you that you arent alone or i feel what you are feeling, however in my opinion, grieveing for the death of a loved one should not be consider unhealthy, in fact, many people still feel sad about deseased loved ones even though they have already moved on with their life, the only thing i can say is that you should just keep going and live your life as if your father still alive. just because he was dead dont mean he stopped existing, the fact that you have memories of him proves that.

it will also be nice to visit once a year or so to your father's grave

Answer 9

it's not at all odd to miss your dad. hell i still miss my grandma and still cry for her. it's been about 13 years now. i have lost alot of people in my life and yes i still miss them all. it's not un healthy, it's very healthy to greive no matter how many years have passed. your dad was your dad and nothing will change that. but maybe you could talk to your stepdad and tell him how you feel and honey his kids are your half brother and sister, so don't say their not okay. all of my middle sister's kids are half brothers and sister, and they have no problem with it. stop beating yourself up. if you want to know more about your dad, ask some of the cops he used to work with. just go down to the station he worked at, i'm sure they'll help you out. good luck. p.s what your missing is his voice saying he loves you.

Answer 10

Seems I've answered a similar question before but not by you...It's not unusual to grieve for the loss of a loved one even many years later. You may not have known your dad for that long but it is the loss of the life you would have had with him is what your truly grieve for...Perfectly natural to wish for what you can't have but try not to let it take over your life. Your dad wouldn't have wanted that for you.

Answer 11

It is completely normal to still grieve 17 years after a death, even more so because he was your dad. I'm sorry you lost him, it must be very hard at times. Just remember that he loved you with all his heart and still does.

Answer 12

yes completely normal. Ugh, i am even getting sad thinking about it. Especially if it is someone close to you. But you have to try to move on. some people are the kind of person who can and wants to think and others it is too painful. Either way, he is in a better place. Join a club or activity. Take a long vacation with a close friend or family member.

Answer 13

hey, I don't know how you feel but i understand. I feel for u though and i want to be an encouragement to you and say that it may be unhealthy but its something you cant hlp but feel! So i cant male you move on but i can tell u that theres a God in heaven that wants to be youre hevenly father and all you have to do is accept him into your heart! He'll help you through the grief of your father just ask him!!

Well i hope that helped bubye!

Answer 14

If it's someone you REALLY loved... When that person passes away. You only learn to live with the pain. You never get over it. Sometimes you can start thinking about that person. And no matter what you do...or how many years it has been. It still hurts like the day it happened.

Answer 15

Its not unhealthy. you will always remember your father. Especially since you probably don't have bad memories of him where he was mean where u would want to for get him. I think it would be more unhealthy if u didn't remeber him. My dad is sick and when he goes i would miss him for ever. that pain of loosing him will never go away.

Answer 16

It's always very sad. You do need counseling and u need to talk to your mom about your feelings, i bet she would like to know and understand how u feel. I still have my dad and feel lucky. My husband has his dad back in his country of the philippines and said to me how lucky I was because he hasn't seen his dad or talked to him in many years. I know if I lost my husband and my son would feel likeu do now, i would get him help and i would be there for him and help him heal.

Answer 17

Yes it is normal to grieve for a loved one especially a parent. DO you feel like your life would have been different if he was still alive? Maybe you should get counseling to help heel. Talking to your mom would've helped too, keeping it bottled it maybe mad your feelings worse.

Answer 18

I am so sorry for your loss

I think it is normal I mean u always miss the ones you love a lot

for some people it takes more time than others to get over it

just take your time

Answer 19

Hard to find info on a cop. Try going to the last place he worked and talking to a detective.Explain and see if he can get a old partner to call you.

Answer 20

I don't think so. I've never heard of a time frame for grieving. take as much time as you need. only you know when you will be able to move on without feeling something is missing.

Answer 21

No not unhealtly. its not i lost my dad to and you are a strong boy just think of the good times u had togeter and Its hard i know i lost my dad at 9 and i STILL have hard times its normal

Answer 22

How deeply do you grieve?

You should grieve, it's healthy and it just means u remember and miss someone.

But after soo long and you still grieve and the grief effects your ongoing life then you should seek therapist specializing in grief.

Answer 23

well if its family dude no now if he was a mean parent then ya it would be unhealthy but your dad dude every one still greives over familys death even as they get older.

Answer 24

as long as it is not on a daily base. You will always remember.I lost my dad when I was six.

Answer 25

it's your dad...i don't put a time limit on family...



if it were a known friend or high school bud..then maybe..but otherwise...it is up to you//

Answer 26

It's your pop.

Yor grieve as long as you want dude. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Answer 27

its unhealthy but understandable