Is it mean to set ground rules when my mother moves in ?

Question

I'm single, late 40's, and am probably going to be building an in-law suite onto my house for my mother. My father passed away about a year ago and Mom's been back and forth staying with me and my other siblings. When I move her in here permanently, I think it's highly likely that she will want to try to hang out with me all the time and only use "her" quarters at night for sleeping. But my point for building extra space is so that we don't HAVE to be together all the time. (She is still very capable of living independently...she doesn't need my help with anything.) I feel like a creep whenever I think about the idea of saying "you stay in your space and I'll stay in mine and we'll just get together from time to time", but that's really the way I need it to be to maintain my sanity. Obviously, when her health declines and she really NEEDS me, I'll be there for her, but right now she just wants company but doesn't want to go to the effort of getting out and having a social life with friends from church, etc. She likes to hang out with me. How can I keep some autonomy for myself without sounding like a horrible, bitchy, selfish daugher ? Or is that what I am for wanting my own space ?

Answer 1

I completely understand where you are coming from. Although I love my mother, I am a very private person and don't really want anybody in my business/space unless I invite them. You definitely need to have some boundaries and understanding in place PRIOR to building on the suite and her potentially moving in, not only for her sack but for yours and I probably wouldn't phrase what you're trying to do as ground rules it might put her on the defensive.



If I were you, I would research the subject online and I would definitely meet with a family counselor/therapist alone to get some advice and potentially with your mother to discuss this transition prior to doing anything. Your mother might have concerns and boundaries of her own that she may wish to discuss. Yes I know you might think it is a hassle/awkward, but don't you think that the relationship with your mother is worth it and if you can alleviate any hardship ahead of time that is golden in itself. If you do come up with some boundaries, put them in writing; both review the list; both sign it.



What you're getting ready to do is nice but there will more then likely be some bumps in the road. You're single now, but you need to plan for your future and a potential live in boyfriend and or husband. This "suite" you are talking about, do you just mean a bedroom with a bathroom or are you going to build on a room with bed/bath/sitting area for company/living and separate entrance, I'd really think this through. Is your mom going to help fund this suite or have any say? Are your siblings going to stay with you if they are really coming to see her or will you be able to perhaps build a guestroom for her so you can lock your house up if you go out of town....?

Answer 2

Ground rules are normal. I'd suggest making sure she has some friends though. the elderly don't like being alone. and explain to her that you may be living under the same roof but her suite is her home, yours is yours and that seeing each other shouldn't be any different than if she lived across town.

Answer 3

If you are wanting your own space, why bother bringing your mom in? You clearly value your privacy so her moving in is a terrible idea. Only move her in if you are willing to SHARE everything you have, including your alone time.