iS MY SON TROUBLE OR WHAT?

Question

This is his whole life in a couple of sentences, keep in mind, he's 12!:
Listen to 90's rock,
play gutair,
sing,
drums,
hang out with friends until 9:30PM
skateboard,
get in trouble at school
not do homework
flip hair.

He's 12!
My husband gave him a drumset, microphones, amps, and a gutair for christmas!
I didn't want him having that, so I said I'll take it away.
And I will.
But I walked into the garage, (where the drumset, gutairs, amps, etc is,) He didn't hear me come in, so he was on his guitar, and singing. He sounded amazing. He sounded like a younger Kurt Cobain. I was half proud then, and half furious.
He wont wear anything I ask him to wear, I tried to put him in a sweater vest that looked SO adorable on him, and he wouldnt wear it.

Should I let my son continue his "rock" thing?
Or should I get the sweater vest out?
I swear, he sounds like Kurt Cobain!
If you listened to him, play and sing, you'd be amazed.
We made a deal once, A+, NOW THEY ARE C-!

Answer 1

Make a new deal, if he keeps his grades up you will let him pursue HIS interests and not yours. Your son needs to chase his dreams, not the ones you had for him. If music is his thing then use it to inspire him to do better. If he keeps the grades up he can keep playing. When the grades drop or he's not following the rules then take the guitar till he straightens up.



As for the sweater vest, oh I'd never put my teenage sons in those. They will rebel against anything 'adorable'. Be grateful if his pants are actually around his waste and his shirts aren't full of holes. It was hard for me to look at my 12 yo and realize he wasn't my 'little' boy anymore. I've let him pick his own wardrobe provided it wasn't full of holes and it fit him properly. It's saved many fights over what he has to wear.

Answer 2

um.....what is wrong with your son having an interest in drums and singing? So what if he is twelve, they aren't harming him. He has an interest and obvious talent for drumming, guitar and singing, why take that away? Most teens or pre teens don't want to wear mummys "adorable sweaters that will look so cute on my little muffin". Were you wearing the reindeer sweater your mom wanted you to wear when you were 12? Seriously. Be proud of your son about singing, guitar, etc. Not mad. What you should be mad about is: Homework, Trouble at school, MAAAYBE the late friends thing, depending on what they're doing, and the grades. The rest of it is ridicolous. Your son is trouble because he flips his hair? please. I know I'm gonna get a lot of thumbs down for this, but..... jeez. Give your son a little discipline, about the grades and trouble at school. Take something away TEMPORARILY if his grades and behaviour are innapropriate. Check his homework every night, my parents have this thing where i have to do an hour each night, atleast, even if I dont have homework.But to blame it on listening to 90's music and being a normal 12 year old, is absurd. And I'm 17, so you're probly instantly gonna shoot this down cuz i'll just "side with the kid" but, whatever.



YOU always wanted HIM to be a writer? It's his life, not yours. He can choose the career he wants, granted, being in a band full time or a cashier(which is where he is heading if he doesn't pick his grades up) aren't very good careers, but he has a good 5 years to decide his career path, and in the end, it is his choice, not yours.



sorry for sounding rude.

Answer 3

Sweater vest? Why do you want your son to be made fun of/beat up in school?

If he's in to the music, let him have at it. Skateboarding isn't that bad either. there are alot worse things he could be into.

However, you do need to talk with your husband & set some very firm ground rules, including appropriate graduated punishments for violating those rules.

Getting back to a B+ average in school should be non-negotiable. Same for not causing problems at school.

He friends might be the source of the bad grades/behavioral problems. find out who his friends are & what they are about. Forbid him from hanging out with kids that are bad influences (and spend the time checking up on him).

Set a curfews for him, be in by 8 on a school night, 10 on a non-school night (he's 12, what is he going to be doing after 8 during the week or 10 during the weekend that WON'T land him in trouble?)

Kids this age really do need discipline & boundries, meaning they need parents willing to set those boundries & enforce the discipline & make it stick. Other than that, he sound like a very bright, very talented kid.

So you and your husband both need to be proactive parents.

Yes, you have the right to do all that.



Don't be to worried to much about how he dresses himself, but do set a few minimum standards for what is considered appropriate for certain situations (Sweater vests not being appropriate since 1978)

Answer 4

Hmm... I think that you need to be more strict. Obviously you are not connecting with your son in the way you should be. If you were being a proper parent you would not be having this problem and you would have known how your son sang from the beginning. Also stop your hubby from spoiling the kid. All of that equipment for christmas? If it was one guitar that wouldn't be so bad, but that's about $5,000-$10,000 that he sprung on your son. No matter how wealthy you are, that's too much for one boy & even if he had a band, their parents should be giving them those items. You shouldn't have to buy your son's love.



You are one of those parents who try to relive their youth through their kids and brag about how they are good friends with them. You are not 12 and you are not your son's friend. Your son is not the next Kurt Cobain, he is a 12 year old boy who needs guidance. Maybe if you give him proper guidance he can be someone great, but without it he is more likely to end up rock bottom instead of a rock star. The chances of him making it big are very slim. I wanted to be a musician once and I was told that I was pretty good. However, it didn't pan out, and I was glad that I didn't put all of my eggs in one basket. Stress that to your son. The music world isn't as easy to get into as he thinks it may be.



He is also not your Ken doll. Don't dress him as if he were. Maybe he's dressing alternatively, but as long as he doesn't look like he climbed out of a dumpster or was attacked by wildebeasts that's ok.

Answer 5

Maybe he is that good. But I'd still insist on getting the grades higher. B- at least. Otherwise he is putting all his eggs in one basket.



I have a friend who was a great drummer. Was in a band, didn't try hard in school. Grew his hair long etc.



Now he works as a banker. Makes a great living.



So just because your kid is acting like this, doesn't mean it's rock star or dead beat. As you pointed out, he is only 12.



But consider that kids grow up a lot quicker these days. It seems silly to try and make him dress a certain way, and treat him like a complete child. At the end of the day at least your kid has a burning passion for something and isn't hiding in a bathroom somewhere smoking pot.



But in listening to your story, it isn't your child that concerns me, it is you and your husband.



You said you had no idea that he could sing like that, or play like that. Yet your husband apparently did know and bought him a bunch of related stuff for Christmas. So my question to you, is how you didn't know what was going on in his life. You claim he is getting in trouble at school, not doing his homework, staying out too late, and so on. But you only just found out he can sing? Where have you been? How is there such a gap in knowledge between you and your husband? Don't you talk to each other? Why did your husband buy all this stuff for Christmas without discussing it with you first? Why would you fight with your husband (where you told him that you were going to take it away)? It sounds like you and your husband have horrible communication, and this has further shown up as poor communication with your child.



I don't know how you've so completely lost touch with your child in this manner. Your husband seems to have some clue what is going on, and you're trying to take away his band stuff and make him wear a sweater vest.



If you want to have a meaningful input into your son's future, you need to present a united front with your husband. You need to realize that children grow up much quicker these days. There are ways you can help him avoid the pitfalls in life, without dressing him in an adorable sweater vest.

Answer 6

Have his guitar and stuff be reward for doing well in school. Also tell him it helps to have an education so he can write more than bubble gum pop songs. Ask him what the difference is between a good player and an excellent player/songwriter.



Most boys don't like sweater vests...they seem "old man-like" to them.



Another thing to think about is Kurt Cobain...how did his life turn out and why? Do you want this for your son, or a healthy rock and roller?

Answer 7

Let Him Do His Own Thing, Most Definitely.



Besides, What 12 Year Old Want's To Be Dressed By His Mother, And What More, Be Considered "Adorable"?

It's Different, Because I'm A Girl, But When i Was 12 [Only Like 13 Months Ago] I Did NOT Want To Be 'Adorable' Or Dressed By My Mom.

Answer 8

um.....what's incorrect which incorporate your son having an pastime in drums and making a track? So what if he's twelve, they at the instant are not harming him. He has an pastime and obtrusive expertise for drumming, guitar and making a track, why take that away? maximum young infants or pre young infants do no longer % to positioned on mummys "lovable sweaters which will look so lovable on my little muffin". have been you donning the reindeer sweater your mom needed you to positioned on once you have been 12? heavily. Be happy with your son approximately making a track, guitar, etc. no longer mad. What you are going to be mad approximately is: Homework, concern at school, MAAAYBE the late buddies ingredient, finding on what they are doing, and the grades. something of this is ridicolous. Your son is concern using fact he flips his hair? please. i understand i'm gonna get an excellent type of thumbs down for this, yet..... jeez. provide your son a sprint discipline, relating to the grades and concern at school. Take something away quickly if his grades and habit are innapropriate. examine his homework each and every night, my mothers and fathers have this ingredient the place I could do an hour each and each night, atleast, whether I dont have homework.yet in charge it on listening to ninety's track and being a typical 12 year previous, is absurd. and that i'm 17, so which you're probly directly gonna shoot this down cuz i'm going to easily "part with the baby" yet, in spite of. you often needed HIM to be a author? this is his existence, no longer yours. He can % the profession he needs, granted, being in a band complete time or a cashier(this is the place he's heading if he would not %. his grades up) are not very stable careers, yet he has a stable 5 years to settle on his profession course, and interior the tip, this is his decision, no longer yours. sorry for sounding rude.

Answer 9

You need to set some ground rules. It doesn't matter how good he plays- if he's not doing well at school he shouldn't be playing on anything. He could be the greatest musician in the world, but that still doesn't guarantee that he'll become the next Big Thing. There are thousands of young hopefuls with big talent that are flipping burgers for life because they assumed that they'd make it big. Besides, if he's causing trouble now, it's just detention. It could turn into juvie or real jail time & then the only songs he'll be singing are "jailhouse rock" while he tries to keep himself from being beaten & molested by the other prisoners. You should also be careful, as you may not be as objective in your judgement of his abilities.



You need to sit down with your husband & tell him that he needs to stop undermining your authority. Then you need to take away every piece of music equipment in the house & put it in storage until his grades improve. Don't worry, if he has any talent it'll still be there when his grades improve. Rock won't last him at all, but good grades & a good upbringing will last him forever. Either he can cry now when you take his stuff away, or you can cry later when your "baby" gets himself taken to jail. You can either be his friend or his parent. You can't be both & being a parent doesn't automatically make you his enemy. He may not respect his friend, but he will respect you if you are being a real parent to him & not being wishy-washy like you are now.



As far as the clothes go, don't worry so much about it. That's just his personal style. I bet you didn't wear everything your parents tried to put you in either. As long as he is clean & groomed, that's all that matters.



EDIT:



You are a grown up & have lived your life. Don't try to live your son's life for him. Let him be who he wants to be, but make sure that he's taking care of the school stuff. It sounds to me like you may have a mid-life crisis & don't want to admit that you are 30+ years old. My sister went through that where she wanted to be the "cool mom" who is her son's friend. Guess what? My nephew had trouble in school in both his learning & his attitude. Want to know something else? Whenever my mom or I took care of him we applied discipline to him & he didn't act up. He respected us more than he did his mother & at times would rather have been with us. My sis had a wake-up call along the way & is now being a parent to her son & not a friend. He is all the happer for it & his grades/conduct improved.

Answer 10

He sounds like a smart rebel to me. It's great that he has interests that he's passionate about, such as music. I don't blame him for being a bit rebellious about the clothes you picked out for him. He's almost a teenager- you guys are bound to disagree on some things! The not doing homework is a problem though. I definitely suggest you enforce at least a B + or the drum set / guitar are going away. Since he's really interested in those, this should motivate him to focus and do well in school.

Answer 11

I would let him use his drumset and all, but only if he keeps his grades up and stays out of trouble at school. He sounds like a smart kid, if he used to get As.

And I haven't seen very many boys his age that want to wear sweater vests :)

Answer 12

u can let your son be who he is and let him wear his hair how he wants and the clothes he wants. if you force him to try to be someone he isn't he will just rebel against you and start acting out. BUT he is still 12 years old. If his grades are dropping from the music and nights up until 9:30 then it is time you start taking these things away unril his grades come back up. then he can get them back slowly. if he loves his guitar and nights up until 9:30 he will work hard to get them back. he will probably get upset you take them away at first but he's 12 and hormones are crazy so just let him slam his door. Let your husband in on it too...you both need to set ground rules for this stuff...TOGETHER that way dad isn't letting him sneak behind your back!

Answer 13

hes only twelve. Everyone is always different when there twelve dont you remember. Id say let him do his thing. He could really have something going. Let him express himself, especially if hes as good as u say. One thing i have noticed, latley as a senior in high school (i know im young) is that all the "rocker" kids miraculously learned to dress nicely once they got to sophmore year (and yes that includes sweater vests).. so like i said, i think you should let him be.

Answer 14

Help the kid to be happy and encourage his talent, sit and talk about possibilities, and persuade him that school work and his talent can not only flourish together but that each can compliment the other. Above all don't rubbish him, and listen as long as he starts behaving better, be glad, it isn't important what you want that matters it is encouraging him to do his best and be able to earn a living. Do not try to live your life through him rather help him to live his life to the full.

Answer 15

dont take his music away. thats his passion, his outlet and probably his way of finding himself. dont take out the sweatervest, god knows that if you describe it as adorable, he is too old to wear it or he will just hate it because you like it. offer him music lessons, practice time with his friends/band,to take him shopping for gear if he keeps good grades. if the grades drop, consfiscate all of his instruments until they improve. he is only 12, dont let him make all the decisions because if you loose your "grip" on him now, it will be almost impossible to get him back, but do let him make some decisions,make him feel responsible and trusted while you monitor him. be sure to tell him how good you think he is. he wont feel misunderstood or unapreciated it and he might realize that that talent is worth working for.

Answer 16

There's nothing wrong with his "rock thing" but put your foot down about his grades and attitude. How is he going to make it in the music business if he doesn't have the knowledge he will need to make it in this world? His education should be first and foremost. Just keep pushing him to bring up his grades and make sure he's not cheating his way through school. I have a neice doing that! One day, if he does make it, he'll thank you!

Answer 17

oK, I am a 13 year old, and I am just going to say right now that NO boys our age wear "sweater vets" so I really don't blame him that he says No to that!!!



I think that if he is getting bad grades and he knows he can do better, and you know he can do better, you need to take something that he really likes! (music) He needs to know wat is more important!!!



I think that he needs to be able to express himself in watever way he wants right now! He is growing up right in front of ur face and he is going to be changing a lot soon! He needs so express himself! Let him do it!



Just cuz he flips the hair and hangs out with friends at skool doesn't mean that he is in trouble. But him getting in trouble at skool might even be becuz of a girl or music or stress or other classes...who knows. (only him) you need to sit down with him and ask him wat is up...so ya...



Good Luck!!!

Answer 18

Are you serious?



You're son hasnt done anything wrong except find something that really interests him.



His grades might be slipping but you need to set some ground rules and maybe stop trying to dress him in things you think are adorable....

Answer 19

Encourage him to play music with decent lyrics, tell him that he can play, but only if he keeps his grades up, does his homework. As to the clothes thing lol, each child has his own tastes and if you try to change that he will only resent you. Make sure his clothes are "appropriate" but let him have his own style.

Answer 20

let your son do what he likes to do, it is better to be his friend and know what he is up to than the person he wants to be away from all the time. Just tell him that he has to make better grades or he wont be getting a better guitar or such. Trust me, you dont want him to be something you want him to be because at the end he is the one who will have to be stuck with that stuff and might not even do it at the end because he never liked it.

Answer 21

Pretty much I think you should just let him be who he wants...to a point. I think you should set some rules with his drumming....like after he does and shows you his homework....

He could be the next Kurt...and would you want to be the one to stop this talent? encourage it, but make sure he gets his schooling done, ok? :)

Answer 22

he is 12. he is growing up and he wants his mom to stop dressing him and babying him. He is trying to find himself so support is the best way. maybe try to compromise on an outfit but if you push him to do what you want, he will later rebel and (hopefully not) but do stuff that he shouldn't do. Example drink, smoke, etc. Try to talk to your kid and feel his perspective and compromise with him rather than to enforce what you want. those are my two cents

Answer 23

let him be rock.. dont take music away from him. but you still need to be the parent. you need to say keep grades up and you can play. or do your homework then you can play. make a deal so both of you can be happy

Answer 24

At least he's spending his time doing something productful instead of running around w/the wrong crowds... I think it sounds like he needs a little more discipline in the school dept, but socially I think that he seems like a really nice person =) hope that helped....

Answer 25

Never try to dress him.



If he keeps his grades above a B, let him sing. If not, store the instruments.

Answer 26

Yes let him continue the rock thing,, but make sure he does his homewrk first (( check it yourself!!!)) And get his butt home at a decent hour!!!!



EDIT I dont even want to get into the bad things I did when i was 12 and 13,,,, You have to be careful, let him be himself, but he neeeds rules!!!!!!

Answer 27

Its probably just a phase. But def monitor him closely. He'll grow out of it. If you try to force something on him or change him, he;ll be likely to resist change. Let him change on his own. But set rules and discipline when needed.

Answer 28

You could take away his drums untill he gets a b at least, and once he gets a b you should encourage him to do better at school.

Answer 29

Why would you want to discourage your talented child's love of music? I don't understand this at all . . . if you want him to improve his grades and not get in trouble at school, restrict his free time accordingly, but you should be getting him music lessons if he wants them, and cheering him on!

Answer 30

the sweater vest is tooooo much...... make a deal with him.. spend as much time on school as music ...

Answer 31

sounds like he needs a little disipline and ground rules

Answer 32

set some ground rules for him platying with his drums and stuff

Answer 33

i'd say let your kid go through his own thing, 12-18 are some important years, and its important that he do his own thing, and now be forced into things.

i had a friend in highschool, and her parents made her do all sorts of clean cut things, now shes totally into drugs, way more than i ever was, and my parents let me figure things out on my own.

Answer 34

a old lady ....jk

let him rock if thats his passion

i mean if u like somthin and he take it away from u how would u feel