Help! How do I convince my aunt to get divorced?

Question

I know this sounds really selfish, but it's not!
My father's oldest sister is 61 and married a 27-year old guy 3 years ago.
He has turned her life upside down.
The story is: They married, the guy got allowed to remained in the country, got allowed to work and her medical insurance covers him when he's sick.
We thought this was the reason why she had married him, but it wasn't.
He never worked not a day since they got married, he spends his days watching TV and drinking beer while she wakes up at 6 o'clock in the morning to go to work. She earns a lot of money, but she's always broke because she gives her husband all the money she earns.
She has 3 daughters at University (one of them is just done and all of them studying abroad) and she always sent them all the money they wanted, but since she married that man she can no longer send them money.
The man himself looks really creepy and my Dad sais that no women in the world would marry such a man but his sister.
I don't judge people by the way they look, but… the man looks really creepy and I think I never saw him without him being drinking beer. And I saw him completely drunk lots and lots of times.
I think he's a bad influence for my aunt. This man is extremely depressing, is always talking about the most terrible things you can imagine, like severe diseases, wars, death, (and things I wouldn't like to write), but most of all, he talks about commiting suicide.
He thinks that everybody is against him, even people who don't know him and he has persecution mania. He believes there is a conspiracy against him as well.
I mean… I would like to suggest my aunt to take him to see the Psychiatrist, but I know he won't because he sais that Psychiatrists are just for crazy people.
Over these 3 years I saw my aunt's savings disappearing! She is always giving him money, and when she sold the house she had on the beach and gave him the money so that he would stay, I was astonished.
The man is always threatening her that he's going to leave her and she starts crying and begs him to stay. Then she gives him more money and he shuts up for some time. I once asked her what she is going to do when she has no more money left. She yelled at me. I honestly don't think that he wants to leave her. I think he just wants to get more money from her.
I know that my question sounds terrible, but the man is like poison to her and she doesn't want to get rid of him at all.
He makes fun of her even when other people are around and humiliates her in public! He cheats on her with 18-19 year old girls, and she knows that and sufferers terribly because of that, buys expensive clothes for himself and now my aunt even bought him a brand new car saying that is his gift for being such a wonderful husband!
I saw him at the mall a few days ago and he offered me a ride home. I accepted. On our way home he told me the most terrible things I had ever heard about my aunt: he told me they haven't had sex for over two years and not kissed for over a year. He said he found that discusting because she was 36 older than he. He also said that my aunt used him to pass an image of happiness (which is true! My aunt always makes a great theater telling everyone that a man 36 years her junior is married to her because he madly in love with her and she feels very proud to spread this image about herself. She is always saying that her friends envy her for having such a young husband. I believe it because they don't see often and they don't know waht is going on and his only job is to play that role of a happy husband). But I don't think he should be against her because of that.
Ever since she met the man she is always terribly stressed and we don't get along any more. I think she should get divorced.
Do you think I should tell her what she told me?
What do you think I should do?

Answer 1

Oh wow. Yes, he DID use your aunt for citizenship, a visa, and insurance. And of course, cash. He's a leech! And leeches can end up sucking the life out of their victim's if not removed fast enough (sorry that's a bit blunt, but it's true.) She needs to get separated NOW. He definitely needs to be taken to a psychiatrist too, no matter what he says about them being "for crazy people." People who need help likely aren't going to admit it. If nothing else, he at least seems like an alchoholic. He can get off his lazy bum and earn his own cash. Your aunt needs to be able to have cash for herself and her daughters! When was she planning on retiring? Ever, now that this man's sucking all her money away?



When he says that she is "using [him] for an image of happiness," you agree to that statement, but disagree that he should dislike her because of that. I think that it is perfectly alright for him to dislike that, but he also is using her in a much, MUCH greater way. So obviously, he isn't the good guy anyways...but I'm just saying your aunt isn't exactly the perfect angel here either.



Why is your aunt clinging onto him? Because he's what she has known for these past 3, long years and would seem lost without him? (Somewhat like Stolkholm Syndrome, I believe.) Because she wants her "image of happiness" bragging rights? That's a lame excuse! So, she would trade in all her money (and therefore HER well-being and HER DAUGHTERS' well-being) AND her beach house to keep an abusing jerk of a "husband"? He has used her to the EXTREME.



Tell her the above, as well as what you've said. Continue on, even if she starts crying or yelling. She needs to face the truth, even if she doesn't want to hear it; that's probably where the crying and yelling comes from. Maybe she's scared or unsure of what to do/what is coming? Try to understand and be gentle but firm.



Well wishes.

Answer 2

It's not your life. It's not your business. NO ONE knows the inner workings of a marriage except the two who are in it. Just stay out of it, and pray that when you get older and are in a serious relationship, that some misguided, well-meaning relative doesn't plot a way to break the two of you up. There is nothing you could say or do that will sway her, and in any case - it's not your life, and not your business. Just let her be, and get on with your own life. Best of luck !! P.S. It can't be that horrific if she stays with him ! If she is so weak willed that she won't leave him on her own, do you REALLY think that there's some magic phrase that you can say to her that'll make her see the light so she leaves? Be reasonable ! P.P.S. You're THAT bent because he asked you about how many fights you got in? If that's the worst he's said, then you need to get some help, hon. Tell ya what: In one sentence, what is the worst thing you saw him say or do to her? Not the deadbeat part or that he's unemployed - what ACT or DEED did he do that's dangerous or abusive to her?

Answer 3

Look, you have to look at her needs before yours. She is most likely using this guy as well. It seems like the older you get the more horny you are. Your aunt just wants someone to help clean the bat cave if ya know what I mean.



He might not be the guy for her but she won't realize this until she has lost him. There isn't much you could do....or could you?



What if you got one of your friends to pretend he is cheating with her on your aunt. Problem solved and you become an evil witch. :)

Answer 4

get the older adults involved, tell them you concerns and tell them that its not fair for this person to take funds away from the studens and so forth and so on.



It sounds like your aunt is the one that needs the help. She is living in a happy bubble.

Good luck trying to get something done.