Mum tormented me for years before I finally moved on. Now family tells me she has little time left and I should move back with her. Help!?

Question

I have forever stayed with my parents. I was briefly in an abusive marriage and since returned back to my parents house. My son was raised in my parental house.

I have done financially well and never been a burden on my parents. My mother always bullied me, abused me and threatened me of unfortunate events. She has practically controlled me all my life. Now I am almost 50. She isolated me from family and siblings. I was dissed by every one despite being better off financially and professionally in comparison to my entire family.

A year back my father became very ill. I looked after him to the best of my ability, but unfortunately he passed away. Then on I was accused of 'killing' my father. My younger brother and mother made my life hell by calling me names and calling me a failure. They never missed an opportunity to let me know about my failed marriage as well.

I just got tired of it all and moved out about 3 months back. Now my mother is hysterical, that I have abandoned her. Family reminds me that she might die if I dont go back.

I am not interested in any inheritance, or any other benefit from my mother. I had no ulterior motives that she grossly painted to the entire world.

Now I am so afraid that she might actually die of a heart break, and yet I know she and my younger brother will never stop being nasty to me. How do I handle this.

Help.

Answer 1

It is your choice.

Your family cannot make this choice, and neither can they tell you what to do.



I too had a mom who was h*ll on wheels.

Here's the thing.

You carry that pain and anger in you, and until you work it out and forgive your mom, it controls you and makes you unhappy.

Your mom loved you, but no one loves perfectly. And SOME people love VERY imperfectly.

The more tormented someone is inside, the worse they treat those around you. The extent of you mother's meanness is a testimony to how deeply unhappy and tortured she was inside. She didn't really WANT to be this miserable, and believe it or not, she really wanted to be a good mother.

She did the best SHE was able, even though it was a pretty lousy job of it.



If you can find it in your heart to forgive her and feel compassion .. both for the misery that drove her .. AND for the innocent young child who did NOT deserve to feel this .. then you can heal. You need to hear yourself say that you love her and forgive her.



And it is far easier to do if she is still alive.

Death is final, and when someone has died, it is then too late to tell them anything.



BUT .. you do NOT need to move back in order to clear your heart. And you might never be able to work things out WITH her.

As for your family, let them think what they will .. sounds like the whole family is toxic. The nerve, to blame someone when someone else dies.



No, your mother will not die from heartbreak. She might die from stress .. but quite frankly, she has lived stressed-out all her life. If it hasn't killed her, or at least given her an immune-related disabling disorder, then I suspect the stress of you leaving isn't going to kill her. If she WERE to die (which is extremely unlikely), it would be because SHE didn't handle her own emotions.

You are not responsible for the emotions she creates within herself (this is what cognitive psychology is all about . that WE create OUR emotions).



Besides . you are not some sacrificial lamb. Mom is an adult. It is about time she learns how to live on her own.

I suggest you walk out on mom and any family member who objects to it.

Tell your younger brother that if he thinks mom shouldn't be alone, then HE should move in with her himself.

Answer 2

I have to say, the age difference problem is a very childish reason to break up for. Only a year's difference will make no difference and that is a fact. So you start your career off first, is that so much of a bad thing? The fact that you guys can't hang out due to his mom sucks and I know what you are going through. My parents don't want me dating so I usually have to make excuses. It's hard I will admit and it sucks butt. I would say not to make plans about your future. We are in the present for a reason! Plans for after college will just complicate your life more (especially when it doesn't go as planned!) Do you talk through media a lot? I have this problem too because my boyfriend and I talk every night and I know what you mean by boring you. It's because you guys talk too much. Limiting is a good idea cause it gives you guys some space for your own little moments and alone time. However the fact that you are already doubting your current relationship isn't good. Talk to him and see what you can work out. If he cares about you as much as you care about him, he'll find a way to spend a day or two with you. Maybe once a week. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to see each other everyday or talk to each other everyday! I wish you luck! And I hope some of what I said helps you!

Answer 3

Instead of Moving Back you can visit her on daily basis. The torment will be there but it will be less in your Day toDAY life and less effective on you. Assure you mother that you are there for her, but you will not move back for what she has done to you and the continuous harassment .