whenever i smell beer on my fiance's breath i go crazy with anger, i think this may stem from my childhood

Question

When i was between the ages of 3 to about 10 years old , i can remember my dad getting really drunk and beating the hell out of my mom and i. eventually he started beating my little sister at around age 5 (i was 7) and i'd jump over her tiny body trying to take the whips of his belt so she wouldn't get hurt. This is extremely disturbing to me. Now , whenever i smell beer on anyone i start seeing red with rage. it just royally pisses me off and puts me in a bad mood and i start to snap. Especially if i smell it on my fiance's breath. i dont drink beer. i hardly drink at all ...but here the british culture is a bunch of drunks always at pubs. my fiance doesnt go as much because i've told him to cut down, plus he never goes anywhere without me anyway. we're more homebodies than anything. we try to save money. anyway, this is really an issue because it creates a problem wiht me and my fiance. he feels im really mean and cruel to him whenever we're at pubs.. i just hate that smell - i hate

Answer 1

You have every right to feel very angry. But of course, as you know, NOT at your fiance. If he rarely has a beer then he's pretty much normal but you can't deal with it. I hope you have discussed this with him. If you marry him the way things are it will become a nightmare unless something changes.



First you should get help in the form therapy for this because you can't deal with this alone. It will give you a lot more advice than you'll ever get here anyway. Hopefully it will help you so much you will convince your sister to do this also.

It would be nice if your fiance could come with you on some occasions but the therapist might have a problem with that when your not married. If so, consider pre-marriage counselling IN ADDITION.



Tell your fiance that it's not his fault but under your special circumstances you can't marry him unless he quits drinking alcohol, period. Now, I like an occasional beer with dinner out or occasionally a glass of wine. I very rarely buy any to bring home. But there are plenty of non-alcoholic drinks that I like or like better. Try a few and he might even find a non-alcoholic beer that is halfway decent. But my point is that if you meant that much to me that I would want to marry you I would give that up in a heart beat and not even miss it. So I don't see why your fiance shouldn't. That is, providing there are not other issues.



Remember that most of this you should do even if you were not engaged! My heart goes out to you in this situation and really hope it turns out well for you.

Answer 2

It may seem pretty cheesy- but have you actually sat down with him and talked about your reasons for this particular hatred?



If you haven't: Choose a time when he's relaxed but not too sleepy or distracted, you obviously want him to pay attention, and try not to get exasperated while explaining. If he's an interrupter, ask him before to please wait till you're completely finished to say/ask anything. Obviously the best time would not be to do this when he is agitated or stressed out from work etc. Try not to be too repetitive, or take long breaks between points, no one can stay completely focused through a long lecture : /



If you have: Maybe a different approach is needed; you can't ask for someone to completely sacrifice something, especially if it is pleasurable, without sacrificing a little yourself. You could ask him not drink around you, or return to your company after drinking. If the problem is being drunk, ask him to limit his consumption so he's not drunk, but still happy from being able to drink a reasonable amount, or only drink in excess on special occasions. Plus, you have to tell yourself that he won't always follows the rules, and if he comes home after treating himself, instead of yelling or getting too stressed out, do the same: treat YOURself. Try something relaxing like a hot bath or doing something you really enjoy.



(The way you make it sound, I personally just wouldn't go to pubs. Thats like me needing an inhaler and going into a hookah bar; it just doesn't make any sense.)



I'm sorry that you suffer because of another's mistakes. Hope this advice can help ease the present pain a little :)

Answer 3

It's totally understandable why you feel the way you do considering the bad experience you've been through. I'd suggest counselling to help you get over or get through it as much as you can. Forcing him not have a beer every now and then could cause problems down the road. I know the sense of smell does trigger many memories and emotions so that will be difficult to deal with but you can't just ignore what happened and hope it'll heal itself .. you need somene to help you through the scaring you've been through.

Answer 4

You are associating the smell with your father. You really need to make a conscious effort to stop your behavior toward your fiance. They are 2 totally different people! I too had a horrific childhood with a drunken abusive father. I moved on from it but it took a lot of soul searching and reflection on my part not to let it ever effect my life again. You cant change the past you can only go forward and you may need counseling to help you attain that goal of letting go of the bitterness inside you.

Answer 5

You need help with dealing with it...sounds like you have some deep rooted emotional issues from your childhood that are haunting you still today as an adult. Have you ever been to counseling for this, because you are associating even people that have the smell alone on them with your dads abusiveness.

Answer 6

Speak with your fiance. It's never going to get better! Tell him about your childhood, be open! Tell him you would appreciate if he chewed gum or brushed his teeth after drinking because it makes you angry that he's drinking to begin with. If you can't get him to stop, and you can't stand the way he acts by drinking at pubs, don't go with him!

Answer 7

When my daughter was an infant her breathe smelled like fish which was called by her milk. But if I was you make sure they is not giving your baby beer. It could be caused by what the baby eat or drink.

Answer 8

You should inform your boyfriend about this pet peeves of yours... He might not stop drinking but atleast he'd understand why you act as hell when he smells like that. And about you sissy, i guess it's all in the mind. It's trauma, i think. But in your boyfriend's case, girl you have to settle down. dont loose your temper... otherwise, youll only loose not only your childhood happiness but also your good time with your fiance. Good luck!

Answer 9

you first need to seek help on that, but in the mean time tell your fiance exactly what's going on and ask him to atleast brush his teeth when he's around you, i'm not sure if he'd be obliged to that idea but ask him if he can help you out, and get help for sure about that, b/c that is a serious matter that can affect the rest of your life.

Answer 10

have you toldoid it him the reason it makes you angry? im sure he will avoid it. If he understands the reasons behind it, im sure he will be more tolerant.

i live in brtain, so i know the culture, and its not something you can avoid unfortunately.



counselling is definately something you should consider if you havent already.

I obviously loves you, you need to communicate.

if you you work together im sure you can get through it





good luck