How do I stop feeling guilty over my 20 year old son's death?

Question

My 20 year old son was stabbed to death by some of his friends to rob him. I left his mom when he was 9 years old...I later got custody of him but raised him as more of a friend than a parent. Could I have been a better dad & possibly lead him down a path with better friends & a better life? Not a day goes past that I don't think of him & blame myself.God, I love him & miss him...

Answer 1

Edward,

From one parent who has lost a child to another, my heart goes out to you & my prayers are with you.

First of all this was not your fault, nor was it a God who made those people stab your sons. It was God's choice to take your son home once he passed away. So do remember he is in God's arms now. But either way even if you were the best parent on earth, you were not in those boys minds & hearts. They chose to do what they did. They will pay (now if they have been caught) when they leave this earth also. Your son knew you loved him & thought the world about him & he is watching you right now and knows the sorrow you are going thru. So when you feel that cool breeze against your back remember it is your son telling you to keep going dad!

Answer 2

I can't imagine any parent that thinks back and wonders if they did this or that would it have made a difference here or there in their child's life. I'm sorry that you have such an extreme case here. What is done is done, and what would the answer really do for you if it were actually given to you? It won't bring your son back. Don't beat on yourself over something that you cannot change and can't know the real answer to anyway.



There are so many different things that goes into the dynamics of a person's thinking. You can't be held responsible for the actions of your son's friends. People with the best upbringing can make mistakes in the assessment or the intentions of others. I had good parents and a good upbringing (I was fortunate and I am thankful for this), but I have made mistakes in gauging people that has cost me in one way or another.



You will ruin the rest of your life over this if you don't allow for the fact that you don't know if all this is your fault or even partly your fault as a parent. We are given crosses to bear in this life. Perhaps this is yours........I don't know. It is sad that kids that age have come to the point where murder is a game. Maybe you know, but I don't.....but....I wonder how much thought and reflection is going thru the minds of the parents whos kids committed this act. I tend to think that if you are giving this such an incredible amount of thought, searching for a 'reason'....a 'fix', then my inclination is that you probably were a conscientious enough parent and did what most good parents should in raising children.



Don't you think the parents of the kids that did this to your son should be more concerned about their parenting? Maybe they are.....I don't know. You will always miss your boy. Talk to the Lord about this. Go find a GOOD church. One that reads from the bible and the people bring their bibles too. People often turn to the church in times of need, and there isn't anything wrong with that. It's never too late to realize that Jesus truly does work within our lives if we allow Him to. From this standpoint I can say that your son did what he was suppose to here and the Lord saw that his work was finished and called him back home. There is a website that I found quite some time ago. I've read thru a lot of what's there and even asked numerous questions of the author of the site. I got responses to every question I've asked. This may be a starting point for you to inquire and learn about Jesus. Better yet....how to learn about learning about Jesus. If you so choose to read over the info on this site (which I have no connection with whatsoever other than I find it a wonderful resource) and ask questions there, then great. If you do not, that is your choice too. Either way, I'm sorry you are suffering with this. You have to try and come to grips with this. The answer all are thru Christ.



Good luck to you sir, I hope you find your way and live your life with a peace in your heart.



hugs

Answer 3

As parents we all long to protect and keep our children out of harms way. Unfortunately life has other plans. No matter how much we try we cannot change what is to be.

Remember the good times with your son.

You ask if you could of lead him down a different path....

Your job as a parent was to give you son all the tools needed to get on in life, (and judging by your grief you did that) but ultimately there is a time where your son would of made his own choices, and this included the friends he made.

You did the best you could. Sometimes being a good parent is knowing when to let go and letting your children be responsible for their own actions and decisions.

Sincere condolences on your loss, I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. I would recommend you seek out someone to talk to so you can overcome this feeling of guilt (which is normal by the way!). There are many different help forums out there (you are kind of using one now)

Good luck and wishing you peace of mind in the future

xx

Answer 4

Your son's loss is very sad and I am feeling your pain.If you have other child,make sure that he/she has good friends and give your plenty of love. Be practical.You cannot watch a 20 yrs. old son 24 hours a day particularly when you are a single parent.Life and death is not in our hands and they are inevitable..I do not believe in God the creator.Your own karmas leads you in life and death. My friend, talk to a counseller or a close friend or a family member. Your can connect with your son by prayers and deep meditation.He will definitely answer your prayers.

Answer 5

I don't know that any parent ever stops feeling guilty wondering what they might have done better. Obviously you are a good person/parent or you wouldn't be wondering if there was something that could have been done better. After a certain age though there is no controlling who your children will associate with and what they do. My heart goes out to you. Maybe volunteering with Big Brothers would help, you could feel the positive influence you were having on a life.

Answer 6

(((((( hugs ))))))))



this SO could have been me. i am a single parent. my son's father had nothing to do with him so i raised him alone. as he got to be about 12 ... he had less supervision because i worked full-time to give us a good home in a good neighborhood. but i, like you, had a hard time being a "parent" and setting solid limits ... but rather was a friend. my mistake.



he started doing drugs ..hanging with the wrong kids. i tried and tried to steer him in a different direction but couldn't. it's a horrible feeling to feel so helpless as a parent. he didn't respect me because i hadn't set those boundaries, etc. i saw him fall deeper and deeper ... he began using meth. he was in and out of jail ... he had been arrested 23 times between the ages of 18 - 21. he was a 5 time felon by the time he was 17.



meth was his downfall. he's in prison now for 3 years. he's healthier and clearer in the mind than he's ever been. he's been clean for over a year. i'm so blessed .... i CAN imagine how you feel because every time the phone rang i was certain is was the hospital or the police telling me he had been killed in some kind of drug deal ....



you can't blame yourself ... it is not your fault what happened. grieving will happen for a lifetime. my suggestion would be to get into a support group for parents of murdered children .. they are all over. get support from other parents who know EXACTLY how you feel because they live it too. be gentle on yourself ....



it will always hurt .. but someday it won't hurt quite as much.



i will be praying for you.

Answer 7

Edward Im so sorry for your loss !!I really do relate with yah, I have a baby sister murdered ,and its normal to blame yourself for awhile ,we what if and maybe it so much we stay exhusted as the same kind of pain I know what you are doing to yourself I done the same with my sissy like I said you can what if????it to the end of eternity ,no it is not your fault ,you cant or couldnt tell him who he could be around or always watching him ,I also have a 20 year old going down the path of bars and saying he is gay ,so I know the chance of something awful can happen to him and he dont live with me but all I can do is give it to God ,I cant stop him now at this age .so see its not your fault .I feel we have to be a friend to our children as well as parents .I know you love and miss him ,but he made his own choice of friends you could not have stopped him if you tried ,he was 20 and you cant tell him who he can hang with ,if so I would drive to va and get my son that wont listen that is bar hoping and who knows what else .all you can do as a parent is put it in God hands ,you need to stop blaming yourself it was not your fault ,he was a man with friends he picked to hang with .all you can do is work on stopping self blame it was not at all your fault!!!!Just know you was there for him as a dad and a friend ,and you done the best you knew how to and hold on to the good times not the bad ,I really do understand my sister was murdered 5 years ago and there are times we bring it all open again and grief hits just as tho it just happened and we also have to work hard to stop self blame .I was told that is a normal part of a death like that .Please Give it to the Lord and tell yourself you loved him and you did all you knew to do ,and being his friend was the best thing you could of done .when we have a death that is not of natural reasons it is way harder .my brother overdosed due to my sis being murdered ,so I have 2 deaths that was rushed by there surroundings .my baby sis was with child of 5 and a half months ,she was also burned after being killed .you never get over it ,you just learn when to pull it out and when not to.and we have no judgeist for her the 3 that took her life are free .please he is with the Lord let him rest dad ,God less you and remember you are not alone in sorrow .Im so sorry for your loss .

Answer 8

You can't go back in time. Did your son know that you loved him? If so, then take comfort in that. There isn't anything else you could have done. You had no way of knowing that was going to happen. You will always love him and miss hime but you don't have to guilt yourself for the rest of your life. I'm sorry for your loss.

Answer 9

I feel your pain. I lost my 22 yr old son. I too feel as you do remembering every thing I wasn't and everything i could have or should have done. I cant change any of it EVER.

I know that he knew just how much i Loved him and I know he loved me though all of the bad, tough, and good times.

I believe that with everything I got .

I find peace in knowing that my son doesn't and wont struggle or feel pain . I love him I miss him and I so need to feel the pain I feel everyday for the lost of my son.because if I don't I feel it I have forgotton him and that scares the hell out of me.

I have him here at home with me and that gives me more peace than any one knows or understands.

MY SON IS HOME WITH ME HIS MOM

MY HEART AND PRAYS ARE WITH YOU EVERYDAY.

TRY TO REMEMBER WHAT YOU SHARED AS FATHER AND SON .KEEPING THAT CLOSE TO YOUR HEART AND IN YOUR SOUL. LOVE HIM AS YOU ALWAYS HAVE.

I KNOW NO OTHER WAY; I AM SORRY

Answer 10

you did your best, what you did or didnt do wouldnt have changed anything. God lends us our children, when their "job" is done, just like anyones - God calls them home. i know that you feel guilt , but i also know that now not only God , but your son also is watching you. honor the life your son had, now make him proud . use that guilt to speak out , make a difference, tell one 20 yr old son, tell one father your story. you may not see the difference in your life , but someday it will make a difference. your son will be proud , he will know. and some day when your "job" here on earth is done , he'll be there waiting for you standing shoulder to shoulder with the father of us all.

Answer 11

I am deeply sorry about the death of your son and ultimately you have to remember it wasn't your fault that your son was murdered. It wasn't your fault.



Hugs from a Loving Mom to a Brilliant, as well as beautiful 8 year old Jared and Our Angel, Zachary (taken to soon but who will always remain in our heart) ~ Mel

Answer 12

As a parent, I am sad for you. I couldn't begin to imagine your pain. But, from one parent to another... You must believe that you did everything you could do to be a good father. He grew up and made choices of his own, right or wrong they were his choices.

Beating yourself up over the what if's won't bring him back to you.

It wasn't your fault. At some time we have to let them go live their lives. It is a healthy part of the grieving process, to regreat. Just remeber, he was an adult. You did your best

Answer 13

One thing I have learned in life is that you can not always look back thinking-shoulda, woulda,coulda. Reguardless on the events leading up to your sons death the bottom line is this-You did not take your sons life,others made the choice of taking it. You, by far, can not be held responsible for other peoples mistakes or poor choices. Remember your son for how he lived his life,not for how he lost it.

Answer 14

Im very sorry about your son. You must never blame yourself, sometimes no matter what your like as a parent your kids will meet the wrong people etc..in time it will go away but it's really not your fault.

Answer 15

so sorry for your less..but its in gods hands...just keep your faith and everyday remind yourself that he is in a better place...it is not your fault what happened-we can not control what other people do when we are not there to help the ones we love....continue to pray for comfort and hope and trust god will not let you down

Answer 16

am sorry about ur son,but that was God's will that he was murdered,it was his fate....try to talk to some one,and stop feeling guilty coz it wasn't ur fault...i know that u think about him and u will always do bcoz he's ur son and it hurts u to miss him and to remember that u weren't there for him at so many times,but what is gone is gone now...just pray for him and for the rest of his soul...i'll pray for u

Answer 17

The one and only thing I can think of Edward is you have to give it up to God. I am not trying to be pushy, I am not trying to tell you that you need to get on your knees and pray right now. No, but what I am going to tell you is that God loves you Edward. God in all His goodness and justness (He never said He was going to be fair, but He always promised He would be just), loves and forgives all of us...sinners! He loves and forgives sinners! How awesome is this? That means He loves and forgives people like you and me. And in His forgiveness when we repent of whatever sins we committed, we find forgivness to give to ourselves and others. Many times people think that asking for forgiveness is a weakness, it is not. It is in fact a strength. And I can hear the pain in your post, I can. It is not easy to post such a question to the public. I can see you are looking for an answer, one that is right...not just one that is easy. And I will let you know right now Edward, right and easy decisions are never the same ones. Right decisions may involve a little more pain than we are used to (or a lot...depends on the situation), but you will be able to live with them later on. Easy decisions will be less painful in the beginning when made (or not painful at all), but later on down the road the pain of that decision will hurt more than if you never made it at all.



God is standing by your side waiting for you, for you to trust Him, to lean on Him, to come to Him to seek forgiveness. To let you know you are loved even in your sin. To comfort you, and guide you along your way. The truth is always out there, the only thing we need to do is just accept it.



God loves you. That is truth. He will forgive you for your sins, He always does because He is good and just and this is what He always promises. But in order to recieve that love, we need to be willing to accept it. His hand is stretched out to you...will you take it?



Psalm 91:14: "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.



** Love always begets love. Repentance of sin is showing God love; and in turn He promises to protect us. He always loves us though we may never repent, but the only way we can recieve His protection is by loving Him first. Seek the Lord with all your heart, and you will find what you seek. **

Answer 18

my heart goes out to you. no parent is perfect. you really need to talk to someone because this will keep eating at you.

Answer 19

Maybe you can not stop feeling guilty self.

Maybe religion can help you.

I hope you will find a way.

Answer 20

i lost a daughter years ago she was 6,in time it gets better

Answer 21

I feel for you so much..What a terrible time you're going through harbouring these thoughts...you can't blame yourself, it's not your fault ..You would benefit from Counselling, please go.

Answer 22

Your son is dead and their is nothing you can say or do to bring him back, so give it up.You can love him any more he is dead and for god sake stop sobbing and go on with your life Read Deuteronomy 4:9

Answer 23

Wow.

Answer 24

what god wants to happen to us or our kids will happen sooner or later even if we dont like it.