Give me perspective on my in-law situation?

Question

They are pissed at my husband and I right now. The current issue is that we were planning on going there tomorrow (they live an hour away), but my MIL said that they were planning to come to our house on Friday instead and I would be making dinner for everyone. After I bought groceries, my husband was talking to my FIL and suddenly (and typically of them) they were not sure when and even if they were coming. This didn't make me happy and I was not holding back all that much and pushing for an answer and my FIL could hear me and was very upset by what I said. Husband talks to his mom, gets chewed out, apparently our plans were only tentative (to them, not me) and she made the comment that they can't ever see their grand daughter unless it is planned. I like plans, they refuse to plan anything until the moment it happens. So, besides keeping my mouth shut- how do you resolve this? They see no problem showing up at my house and I want plans and pre-warning. How can I see this from their perspective, because I don't at all.

Answer 1

Sounds like my family in general.

My family lives 1.5 hours away, so when they say they are coming I plan a special meal or something for them. Last time my brother and sil were coming, I made a huge chicken casserole that morning and put it in my fridge so I could just pop it in the oven when they got there instead of cooking in front of them. A few hours later they called and said they could not come (for no good reason).

It is aggravating. Tell your in laws it is not that you mind them dropping by, you just wondered if you needed to prepare a big meal. After all cooking for 4 is a lot different than cooking for 2. I'd say that and apologize if you sounded hateful. That way it is dropped and over.

Answer 2

The main issue I see is the boundary issue. As you prefer to plan your family get togethers, and have an idea as to when people will be coming to your home; that should become a house rule.

If they stop by after knowing this, you'll need to get creative and tough about showing them that your rules won't be broken. Lovingly send them to a phone down the street to call, or tell them over again that your rule was... then tell them you were just leaving.

They may test you, but not for long.

Next time you make plans, check to make sure you are all on the same page, so the 'tentative' stuff doen't have a chance to happen again.

The complaint that their grand daughter is out of reach unless it is planned is not about seeing the grand daughter, it's about finding a way to get through your boundaries. Are unplanned visits more special somehow? More rewarding? I don't think so. At least not for you or your child.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving!

Answer 3

My goodness they need to grow up. All normal adults make plans and organize visits. It's called etiquette you should buy them a book. They're being rude not you. I'm sorry food costs money, and you going out and buying extra maybe even things you don;t normally buy was a nice thing to do for them and they need to stick to their word(tentative or not) and come. I get so annoyed with people like that. You're not being unreasonable, if you wanted to be rude you couldve grabbed the phone and given them a piece of your mind and you didnt so in my books you were still being decent. My MIL lives 2 min away and she always calls before coming unless it's a quick visit. It's just the nice thing to do.

Answer 4

Well if they turn up unexpectedly you will just have to drop strong hints that if you knew EARLIER you would of cooked them a lovely meal ("so sorry about the "takeaways"), don't cancel your schedule's.

Basically tell them or show them the amount of inconvenience their short notice of arrival can cause.

In laws basically have the attitdude it's OUR sons house and we shouldn't require permission in turning up whenever we want, his house is our house ...kind of thing...so typical of them, but they don't realise you as a daughter in law want to make it comfortable for them or buy presents for them as a surprise and you need time to do the planning and shopping.

Answer 5

Really can't say much, because that sounds just like what mine do ALL the d*mn time, and I have been told to keep my mouth shut if I have nothing flattering to say to them...

Answer 6

Your inlaws are visiting your house. your rules.

it is not hard for them to ring a day before or two days and schedule when they are visiting.



tell the to fix themselves up. dont shut up about this. they are not the bosses of your house.

Answer 7

flat out:you are right they are wrong, you are adults and they need to respect you.



BUT you shouldnt have been verbally abusive towards them at all.