My life sucks and I want to die?

Question

I'm 24. I make $800 a month delivering newspapers and still I've with my parents, whom although I grit my teeth to try to treat respectfully, I don't actually like or respect.

The reason I can't get a decent job is that I am physically disabled due to having rheumatoid arthritis. It's painful and significantly lowers my quality of life. While not completely crippling, it does cut me off from all physically active jobs, i.e. ones that require prolonged standing. This is critical, because physical jobs are the only ones I think I could have ever done.

I have no skills that I can use to get a desk job. My only education is an associate's degree. Moreover, I don't think I even have the innate aptitude needed to acquire the skills to do a desk job, especially not a decent one that I wouldn't despise and that would actually allow me to provide for myself. I don't really see anywhere in the white collar/professional world where I would fit in. I went to university for a year and quit because I couldn't find a worthwhile field to major in that I could handle. I don't have the technical aptitude to be an engineer or programmer, and also being a deep introvert with nonexistent people skills, I'm not a good fit for the business world, either. I don't see any career that I can aim for, so I've done nothing.

At present, my only work options are to do things like clerical and call center work, i.e. **** paying drudgery that I would rather kill myself than be tethered to. I would hate pink collar work so much that I wouldn't be able to do it and would probably get fired the first day.

To top it all off, the economy is in a depression, and there are few or no entry-level jobs available for anything that would be physically appropriate for me. Not that I could physically handle these jobs anyway, but just to illustrate how abysmal my job prospects are, I can't even get calls back for interviews from places like Goodwill, Wal Mart, and McDonald's. Forget getting a call back for a male secretary position. I've given up even trying.

So I'm broke, disabled, unskilled, unemployable and living in an economic depression. And when I said I don't really like my parents, I actually meant that I borderline hate them and can't stand to be around them at all. My mom is the only one I can actually deal with at all, and she will probably die of cancer in a few months. I'll have a hard time dealing directly with my dad when she's gone. Last year I gave him a good ***** slap when he ridiculed me for being unemployed, and lived in my car for a month after the incident, which was actually better than living with them anyway so I'd just as soon do it again if it didn't hurt my hand so bad.

So yeargh...my life's ruined. I haven't dated or had sex since before I got arthritis four years ago. In my state of depression, I've recently arranged encounters with three prostitutes, but didn't have sex with any of them. Almost $500 down the toiled. The first time, I was deeply conflicted about it just couldn't get into it. The second lady was way fatter IRL than she was in her pictures and babbled so much I just said **** it and bounced without doing anything. The third one robbed me. I don't believe in prostitution and don't want to have sex with a hooker, but I get so bored/miserable I'll seek thrills like that anyway just to escape.

Basically my life has been wiped out and I'm very much straddling the fence as to whether I want to continue living or not. Truthfully, I conclude that I do not, given the circumstances, but I don't have the will to commit suicide, either. I ordered and obtained the necessary euthanasia drugs from China, but don't have the resolve to actually do use them.

So what are my options for a better life? I can only think of a few:

-Go back to school. But I have total uncertainty as to what to go for, I doubt that I have the time and resources to finish, and I doubt even more that anyone will hire me just because I have a degree anyway. So I'm very negative on this option.

-Move to Bismarck, North Dakota, and get one of those pink collar clerical or customer service type jobs that I would detest so much and would pay ****. But at least in North Dakota I would have better than 1 in infinity odds of getting hired.

-Take a commission-only inside sales job selling precious metals from home. This is actually a good opportunity for the right person, but I don't believe myself to be cut out for sales, nor do I have the emotional fitness to face the brutality of it in my present state anyway. I absolutely dread the thought of it.

None of these are appealing enough to get me to come down from my suicide fence.

Answer 1

And you are in considerable physical pain much of the time. Wow. The Supreme Fascist is really giving you the beans. That's how He rolls. OK. What to take from all this: Nothing you are doing right now is making you happy so you need a plan. Sounds like a room in rooming house would be preferable to life at home. Visit the college housing boards to investigate. Sharing is tough but living with students might give you a boost and help you start thinking of yourself in a different way. Clearly, you are articulate and probably like reading. Start with this. Get a few books on the new economy and the coming new industrial age. See what's coming and consider how you might fit in. You might use the summer to do a course or two in something that would put you closer to what you want.



There is no shame in a round or two of antidepressants or talk therapy while you figure this out. You're sure not alone.



When the economy is down like this it's a good time to be in school.



Sounds like you tried things before at uni that pleased others or that somehow seemed right. No solid planning. That was then. This is now. Take the time to really investigate. Ask to audit a course to test-drive. Talk to the profs. Few do. Dumb! Get their advice on what's hot, what's not and how to get there. No penalty for asking.



Consult those you admire and ask for advice. Ask everybody everything. Right now nothing is working so the only thing for it is to investigate what might be better. If you actively seek the Next Big Thing you will be more likely to recognize it when you see it.



Stay in the game despite the discouraging word everywhere. Your time will come. See if you can get a room somewhere where there is a bit of life going on. Virginia Woolf - a room of one's own and all that. Put one foot in the right direction and the rest will likely follow.

Answer 2

Before you give up, try the following (suicide is not a worthwhile option):



1) Talk to someone at your local tech college and see what skills they might be able to teach you in a year of study that could turn into a longer term career. They are used to helping out people in life transitions. They even may have resources tied to people with disabilities and may be able to put you in touch with people who have walked in your shoes, so you don't always feel like you are on an island. Other places you can talk to are general help organizations (for arthritis, employment, etc.).



2) Do some research and check in with your doctor again (or a new one). Are you getting the best treatment for rheumatoid arthritis that there is? Are there medical or non-medical things that can help you relieve the pain?



You will have the best chance of success if when you reach out to people you leave all negativity and self-pity at the door.



Wishing you well, man.

Answer 3

You really need to get yourself together man, you're only 24 and have a long life ahead of you! I know you hear that life gets better all the time, and you might not believe it but it eventually will! So what if you're pysically disabled? That doesn't mean you're unable to be happy and can't do anything ! Try to find a job that doesn't involve a whole lot of moving around! A job you enjoy don't just choose a job because you like the pay, do something you love and get paid for it! You can be anything you want in life, anything ! All you have to do is work at doing what you really love and happiness will come your way! Maybe you'd like to start writing books? You seem to be a very intelligent guy, and you might like it a lot! Maybe you could even make a bit of money of them? There are lots of good paying fun jobs that you can do you just have to do a bit of searching. But I really suggest you consult to a therapist I know you may not like that idea but it might be just what you need, and could really help you get your life back together and be happy again! Anyways that's all I got, hope you take some of this to mind!

Answer 4

The are too many young people who feel this way and many decide to end their life, The loved ones of those who leave us this way are thrown in to a hellish state trying to understand what happened. This situation you are experiencing is very temporary and not even be close to being worth spending your life on. Having a brother who decided to leave this world and did, left our family behind rather selfishly and had to take what was waiting for him in the spirit world. Leaving this world in this way only insures a duration of hellish experiences awaiting him, not the escape you may have been anticipating but dark and far more ugly and beyond your worst nightmare. Yes, it will take all the courage you can pull together to get through these rough spots, yet when you do arrive beyond your troubles, you will most certainly have gained a most valuable insight, so valuable that you will find yourself talking just like this to someone going through their really rough times lovingly trying to lift them out of the darkness they have been lost in. Be strong, we need you to here and now and always will.

Answer 5

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You need to talk to someone. A therapist, a parent, a friend. Just please don't resort to suicide. You have no idea how it will affect others. My cousin committed suicide and it was tragic, think before you do anything you'd regret. Your family loves you even if you fight. Think of positives.

Answer 6

Maybe eat a TURD sandwich and call me in the morning, jesus christ already

Answer 7

if you dont want to kill yourself then ask somebody and if you are afraid of death go to church or something

Answer 8

I will share my thoughts on one of the previous comments: writing is an option definitely worth considering. But - I wouldn´t recommend therapists. As a disabled person myself, I´ve made an experience that you can find the best understanding among other disabled people, family and therapists often don´t have a clue or don´t really care. Forget about happy pills - it´s better to stay aware of your problems and face them even if it´s painful, than to try perfume a s....t. No matter how much perfume you pour on it, it will stink until you flush it. Good luck.

Answer 9

I tried to make things better today iam hopeless have two kids and stuck with their love and when it comes to expectations I have from my own ppl I really want to die but diying isnt the end here only failures think of dieng u feel as looser I want sumone to help me